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I am unique but, one day, I will be forgotten. This is my journey.

Read top to bottom, this was copied in.

IT’S NOT WORTH IT

February 2, 2022

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I’m done writing. No one cares anyway.

Always a little too late. Maybe in my next life, my voice will matter to one person.

xoxo

-me

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SEMI TRUCKS

January 18, 2022

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I love long-distance driving. It’s absolutely cathartic for me. I still hate big semis next to me in construction zones. Ugh!

xoxo

-me -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRATEFUL 1/4/22

1. Coworkers
2. Zombies
3. Connection

xoxo

-me

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GRATEFUL 1/3/22

• Heat seaters
• Hugs
• Home

xoxo

-me

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GRATEFUL 1/2/22

• Sudafed
• Warm cuddles
• Puppies

xoxo

-me

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GRATEFUL 1/1/22

• Bed
• Lazy days
• The Good Place

xoxo

-me

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

January 1, 2022

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We made it! It was fun too. Went to Marty’s. Summer was wonderful. So crazy Zach and I went to high school together right? I thought I kind of recognized him the week before but never thought I’d run into him again so I didn’t even think about it. Crazy. Teresa is so wonderful too. What a great group of people and company tonight. Thank you.

It’s been 12 days. What’s different?

My mood is a big one. I’m not sad, not at all. I’m appreciative of the things you do for me and the annoyance isn’t there like it was. It’s been nice being home and taking care of the house. I love going to work too so the housewife can wait until Tennessee.

You’re not mad at me all the time either and you are back to the old goofy you. Even Summer mentioned how happy you looked. It’s was nice thinking, yeah, we’re back. You’re so awesome and I’m glad I can see that again.

I don’t feel overly emotional unless it’s a song or something silly. I feel more like myself. It’s been over two months since I’ve taken my meds. I’m happy to not have to take them. It’s been great dreaming with you again. It’s my favorite part of us, dreaming and planning and then living it.

So it’s the first and I need to be grateful for 3 things every day. I’m excited to continue writing and that will give me a reason to get in here. I’ll have to take notes when I’m out of service. But hopefully, I’ll get into the practice and more into a habit by then.

1. I am grateful that we were able to spend all day in harmony and bliss and we were able to end the year in love and laughter.

2. I am grateful I was able to be myself and be received without judgment.

3. I am grateful I was afforded the opportunity to meet 3 new and 1 reacquainted people tonight and they were all great.

xoxo

-me

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50MG

December 27, 2021

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It’s been a few days since I’ve been home. I’m happy I came home. Planning and dreaming again is refreshing. Being connected is comforting. I missed you, I missed this. My trip worked for both of us. It allowed us to step back, breathe, and focus on what we really want. I’m thankful that we came to the same conclusions.

Today was the first day back at work. I was happy to see some smiling faces and catch up with everyone. It was really slow so we all just hung out and talked. I got some gummies as a stocking stuffer and the boys didn’t believe me that they don’t really affect me. So I took them and well… I got a tiny buzz for about 5 minutes. We then discussed the differences in people and their own reactions to how much I took. Work was a blast and I missed everyone.

This week we will return to routines. Now the real work starts. I’m looking forward to it, to us.

xoxo

-me

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STARTING OVER

December 18, 2021

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Well the road rolls out like a welcome mat

To a better place than the one we’re at

& I ain’t got no kinda plan

But I’ve had all of this town I can stand

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Now this might not be an easy time

There’s rivers to cross & hills to climb

& some days we might fall apart

And some nights might feel cold & dark

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But nobody wins afraid of losing

& the hard roads are the ones worth choosing

Some days we’ll look back & smile

And know it was worth every mile

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And it don’t matter to me

Wherever we are is where I want to be

And Honey, for once in our lives

Let’s take our chances and roll the dice

And I can be your lucky penny

You can be my four-leaf clover

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Starting over

(Chris Stapleton)

xoxo

-me

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LUCKY

December 17, 2021

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I am packing up. Mom texted me yesterday and I knew, it was time. Time to come home. I will cut my trip short by 4 days. It will be worth it to see you. I have a lot to do. I need to make hotel reservations, finish laundry, then pack my tiny car. Work has been slow; it always is this time of year. I am grateful so I can get the things done here during the day when I can see. I don’t want to pack my car in the dark.

I am staying in the bottle house tonight. It is my last night here and I am using it as a symbol of renewed energy and life; a sense of purpose and happiness. This place has done for me than I ever could for it. It was my sanctuary in the desert. I felt my granny the entire time I was here and I am so happy I listened to my heart. These are some of the things I know.

• I want to live in the trees.

• The desert is where I come to reset my soul.

• I want to work with or help with animals.

• I want to take two trips out of the country. One to Africa and one to S. America; both for the animals.

• I can be at peace if I have to be by myself.

• My dog is the most charismatic lunatic I have ever met. Fearless and persistent.

• I don’t want a large house but I want a large piece of land.

• The cold makes my bones hurt but the heat makes my skin dry.

• I can shiver hard enough my muscles hurt the next morning.

• I love baths. The hotter the better.

• Stars fascinate me but I only appreciate them over a campfire.

• Even if I get shit coffee, I will drink it out of principal.

• I don’t hold myself accountable but can rationalize anything.

• I am the funniest person I know.

• I love cheesy holiday movies.

• I can leave a pint of ice-cream in the fridge for a month and forget about it.

• Sunrises are like unicorns to me. People say they exist but I have yet to see one.

• I love driving but can’t have a fast car. I will kill myself.

• I think a modular open concept design from shipping containers would be an awesome house.

• My purpose was never in my soul. It’s in my people.

• I am lucky.

• I am loved.

• I dream of you in my future.

• Our future is what we will make it.

As I drive away tomorrow I will think of the many things I learned here about myself. I will remember the emotions and the relief. I will remember the isolation and the joys. I will remember why I came down here, and as I look in my rearview mirror one last time, I will leave it all behind me. Ready to start new.

xoxo

-me

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THEY COME ON THURSDAYS

December 16, 2021

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I knew they’d be here today. They come on Thursdays.

My dog is a fucking lunatic. This morning while we were both soaking in the sun the two coyotes came back. This time Toats saw them first. They are very confident but not as confident as my little crazy pants.

She doesn’t even bark and I only barely heard her make a low one-time woof. It was quiet, so quiet if I was any more asleep than I was; I wouldn’t have a Toats. I am sitting in my chair, head back, eyes closed, and I hear her nails on the wet sand so I open my eyes quickly. I’m completely prepared to tell her to leave the bun bun alone as I straightened up in my chair. When my eyes finally adjust from the bright red haze I realize the two coyotes are staring at Toats and she’s staring back. In less than a blink of an eye she’s off, I scream and bolt a second behind her. She’s way faster than I am. I’m yelling at her wait, stop, slow, no, FUCKING STOP, god damn it stop! She gets tired. Thank fucking god. She stops running and I scoop her up in one swoop. I walk towards the coyotes and tell them to take the long way around and get going. They look at me like I’m kidding. They look just like the little one at home when I tell her to move out of my chair, so now I understand where Abby’s crazy comes from. I’m convinced she is part Coyote. I know how to handle this. Both the boys are in my sight, okay they aren’t after her. Toats wiggling to get down. I tell her to stay, I keep walking and I finally use my mom voice I use with Abby. Go on get, go around. They listen. I don’t think they were here to take her. They are well-fed; they probably just got done down at the chickens. I think they’d love to play with her and then eat her, but they decided I’m not worth the fight. I watch them slowly walk away. Toats wiggles again so I turn around and carry her up the hill and inside. I tell her to stay and she listens. I head back outside and watch the boys head home. They look back a few times. I let them know I’m watching. The phone rings. It’s work.

Fuck. What a morning. I’m sad I couldn’t get pics or video, but to whoever owns this rental, when I jump up screaming… That’s what that was about.

I felt good and inspired today so I decided to lay you in your final resting place. I chose the spot because of your dad. It reminds me so much of him here. I wrote you both a letter goodbye, although for both of you it means different things. For you my sweet dream it means I’m okay it means I will always forever hold you in my heart. Dreaming of what could have been, but now it allows me to look forward to what will be. For you my sweet love it’s the ending of one book but the start of another. I’m looking forward to what will be with you. I’m looking forward to having my best friend back. I mostly looking forward to dreaming again with you. A dream of our future together.

So I’m placing Declan’s clothes in the toolbox but there’s a prickly pear cactus right in front of it and unfortunately, my leg touches it and I get a million and a half little stickers. I was wearing leggings so everything attached to them, thankfully only about 20 got into my skin. Now I have to figure out how to get all the stickers out of my leggings I think I’m going to rub rocks on them. There’s no way I’m pulling them all out.

xoxo

-me

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MY LITTLE DIGGER!

December 15, 2021 —————————

Toats has a collection of holes now. She is a digging machine. I decided to let her go at it. It rained hard so the ground was soft and it kept her close. This morning we went around and covered up the other holes that she made but she has already started her collection again. This new one is super deep, she almost has dug down far enough I can’t see her when she’s in it. Her face is the best thing when she comes up for air. Oh and she sounds like a little piggy when she digs. It’s without a doubt the cutest thing ever.

Talked to Dr. Sam. I feel grounded and so much better than when I first started seeing her. I have let a lot go and I am looking forward to so much more. I keep thinking and referencing the book but I really do feel like it did enough. The words were arranged in a way that I could understand them enough to relate and personalize them.

I finished my rug/tapestry thing and it’s um… sorry MOM! It’s yours now! I was thinking about why it came out so eclectic looking, it was formulated without a thought and a plan. Without a little forethought, chaos ensues. Look at my mat, I can show you what I mean.

xoxo

-me

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POWER OUTAGE

December 14, 2021

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I want to go to the Amazon and I want to see jungle animals. Only a tour though. Maybe some ayahuasca? That might be too much! I would love to do a photography walk and see the birds and even maybe a jaguar!

The power went out for a few hours so I decided to take a bath. Know what happens when the power goes out and it’s on an inline heater? Nothing, nothing is the correct answer. The water was so cold and it wouldn’t warm up. It’s okay though, Toats and I took a nap on the couch together until the power came back. It’s really stormy and gross outside. There have been a few breaks here and there and we try and take advantage of those for potty breaks. I got a few shots with my phone but nothing with the camera for the past few days. I think I am done for now taking pictures. The focus is irritating me. If something amazing happens I will run and grab it, but for now, it can rest.

xoxo

-me

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SLEEPY

December 13, 2021

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I stayed up way too late last night. I just want to sleep but the work phone won’t stop ringing. Oh speaking of which! There is a phone on the wall here. It’s the type that has the turn dial for the numbers. Old and FUNCTIONAL! It scared the shit out of me when it rang. No joke… calling about a warranty!

Today is slower than the last. I think my time here is coming to an end in my heart. It’s done what I needed it to do and now I can look forward to so much at home. The weather is turning; I think it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

Toats has dug more holes, I leave them for a day or two and then I go fill them in. If I needed a pool dug, I’d hire her in a second.

I am trying to make this rug thing but man it’s ugly! I grabbed some yarns that I thought I wanted to make something out of but none of them go together. I really enjoyed doing the rug so when I get home I will make a different one. This time though, I will have a plan and an actual idea of what I want to make.

xoxo

-me

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WOW! THANK YOU!

December 12, 2021

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Catch-up day and check-in day! It was so great talking to you today. I am excited to come home. I still can’t believe you sent boots to the plastic surgeon! Thank you, seriously thank you.

Last night when I was lying in bed and I couldn’t sleep I was thinking about what kind of love I want to have in my life. First and foremost, I want a dedicated love. What does that mean? I have no legacy of my own, so you get all I have. I know we have the little, but that aside, I need us to be over a thousand percent dedicated to each other. Second, I want playful and fun love. That is our trips, tickles, and the jokes you and I trade off so well. Lastly, I want romantic love. I have no one other than you to give my love to, so you get it all. I want the same. I have been thinking about it. Romance, boiled down, is just the practice of routines of appreciation. You are my purpose; you have been through hell; you deserve so much love. Gentle, kind, and sweet love. I feel it’s my time to continue to show you what family really means. I am excited to define our new traditions and figure out how we leave our mark on this world.

You know when I was talking to you I realized how much this place keeps me grounded to you. There are a ton of Rte. 66 relics here. The automobile memorabilia, the license plates, the street signs. I am glad I chose this place so that way even though I am far away, I am not really. I think you would love it and I want to come back here with you, even for just a weekend, so you can feel the serenity here.

I tried to get to the vet today. We never made it. I made the mistake of getting coffee first. That means I waited in line long past my appointment time. That’s okay though. I was just going to get her updated on shots for grooming. I will bring her back home and bathe here there.

I checked my pictures. They turned out good but I do think my camera body is dying. I probably have another year or so left on it before I determine the missed shots are too frustrating. I was an arm’s length away from the hummingbird and more often than not my camera threw the focus some random place. Maybe it needs a calibration. I don’t know but quick-moving subjects are becoming impossible to shoot.

We’re down to the finish line. I have one more thing left to do, after that, I can come home to you.

xoxo

-me

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SUNNY AND 45°

December 11, 2021

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I got super close to a hummingbird!! Took out my macro lens. Hoping it’ll shoot better. If not, it’s the body. Time for a mirrorless when I finally upgrade. I had some successful shots. It’s still throwing my focus back from where I want it.

Today was so warm and nice. I even sunbathed as much as possible. The crazy thing? It was only 43 degrees but it felt like 70. The sun is intense down here. That’s probably why it gets so hot in the summer. If it feels like it’s 70 when it’s 40 out.

I was set and ready to head out to the beach but Toats talked me out of it. I asked her if she wanted to go and started digging. She never answered me but dug holes for like six hours straight. She had a blast today. She found a chipmunk hole and couldn’t let it go. While she was digging and I was just watching I saw so many mice come out of the other side of her holes. Too bad she didn’t understand me. I kept telling her they were leaving but she just wanted to dig.

Today I researched container houses. I think it would be incredible to have secular housing. Imagine a bunch of containers surrounding a common area outside. Each side of the container has access to the common area. Like a square in the middle that has our patio living. I don’t know how practical that is living somewhere other than the desert. Might get too cold. I love the idea of having a container for the bedroom, one for a bathroom, one for a kitchen, and then one for a living room. We could always add on to it afterward too if we ever needed a spare room. I love the idea of an unconventional home. That would also leave us lots of room for a nice shop for you. I want like 6 small containers that make up our home and then a giant hanger shop for you.

It’s 12:36 am. Your lasagna. I am only reading the text and the way I interpreted your post…

• Did taste like you wanted it to?

• Did it taste like you spent 3 hours on it?

• Was that recipe easy or hard to follow?

• Can you remember how you made it; generally speaking.

• Would you try a different recipe?

• Describe what kind of thoughts you had.

• In time do you think that 3 hours could turn into less?

• How was the clean-up?

• Would it have been worth it if you had company?

• After having it for leftovers have you changed your mind?

• Why wasn’t it worth the time to make it?

I only have these questions because you made it public and I am alone in the desert. I have a lot of questions about what I am missing about you. Feel free to not answer right away. And bring it up anytime.

I write on my phone and then transfer it to my laptop. I’m really bad at typing on a laptop. I should have brought my keyboard. I edit just fine but I have sausage fingers!

It’s 1:06 am. I Love you. I miss you.

I get to talk to you tomorrow. I am excited.

xoxo

-me

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TRANSCENDENCE

December 10, 2021

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The rain stopped but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s warm. There is an overcast haze that is keeping the warming light from reaching my fingers. I have mittens that have that flip-up finger access, they help keep the burning away so I can type. I told Toats we would sit outside today, no matter how cold, since she was stuck inside all day yesterday. We checked out the hole that she made. She got pissed off and yelled at me that there was no squirrel in it. It eases the noises at night knowing it is a squirrel. Wonder what he is getting. Insulation or wires for a nest?

I started taking vitamins. I figured it was probably better that I took a daily vitamin since I haven’t been hungry to put nutrients in my mouth. I highly suspect that my appetite will come back when I get home.

Nick, you’ve been on my mind. You are in my heart today and with a forceful presence.

I got the music going today, funky music. What does that even mean? Weird noises? It’s like reggae-folk meets electro-pop. I don’t know but it puts me in a good mood and that is what we are aiming for here. I didn’t get to take pictures yesterday and I am still not inspired by this place, well not like I know I can be.

Remember Vegas and Freemont street? That was a great time. I love taking street pics of people that just do their thing. I also like taking pictures of animals. Maybe they are the same? My hip and knee hurt today. A week of cold weather. Damn these bones.

I try and watch how much Toats licks her paws. She was going at it for a while so I went to check to see if she has a sticker and her poor pad is really upset. She has gotten used to me pulling stickies out of her feet so she let me inspect it. She wasn’t happy but I think I got the stickie that was trying to become part of her foot. I will keep an eye on it but we have an appointment with the vet on Sunday. If it’s not better, I will have them look at it. I think some bag balm will work just fine though. I will get some tonight. We are headed to Joann’s. I need to get yarn for the rug thing I am making. I don’t know if it’s any good but, either way, it will be what I bring home as a display of my transcendence.

I have been thinking about the book. These passages hit home the hardest.

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”

“By declaring that man is responsible and must actualize the potential meaning of his life, I wish to stress that the true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system. I have termed this constitutive characteristic “the self-transcendence of human existence.” It denotes the fact that being human always points, and is directed, to something or someone, other than oneself–be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself–by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love–the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”

I have been searching inside my soul for meaning. It’ll never be there. Time to pull these bootstraps up, find my smile, and look elsewhere.

xoxo

-me

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NIHILISM

December 9, 2021

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It’s raining today. That sucks. Not like earlier in the week but heavy rain that drenches you with the cold.

It’s an inside day. I will finish the book tonight. At first, it took me a minute to get into it but once it started actually explaining Logotherapy it came together. I have a lot of work to still do on my soul and there is apparently a follow-up book. I will contemplate it and then I might get it. Sometimes we just need the basic and easiest things pointed out. Attitude. I know this but sometimes it’s hard to change the perspective of your mood.

Nihilistic - I think it defines my being over the past year. It’s time for a change… after the rain.

We discovered it’s not a mouse but a giant ground squirrel. Toats has it cornered and is digging an impressive hole but it’s too cold to be outside today. We will go find it tomorrow now that we know where it lives.

xoxo

-me

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LIKE A FEVER

December 8, 2021

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The loneliness has crept in. Slowly like a sickness. I first felt it Sunday when I talked to you. It’s here now. The longing is here. That came on quickly like a fever. Even when we do nothing, it’s something. Your aura is calming to me. I miss being next to you snuggled in front of a warm fire.

The hummingbirds are eluding me.

I almost finished the book. Paradoxical intention… Interesting.

Paradoxical intention is to create a paradox against the intrinsic fears and attempts to break the vicious cycle of anticipated anxiety.

This book is getting better and more relatable. The warm bath to soak my cold bones helps. I have discovered I love reading in the bath. It’s probably the most calming thing I have done so far.

xoxo

-me

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MUTILATED

December 7, 2021

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Sprinkles today. Not too bad, but the wind is atrocious. I decided to binge on true crime documentaries. It fills the time nicely. Plus, I am one of the weirdos that watch murder and serial killer documentaries for fun. There has to be a reason that it fascinates me. We’ll leave that discovery for another trip. Or not.

I really shouldn’t be left alone with sharp instruments for extended periods of time. I think it might be genetic. I am pretty sure my cousin told me once she does that same thing. Yeah, I am talking about mutilating my big toe. I thought it was fine all day but now towards the evening it’s starting to become a sore spot and of course I am hitting it on everything. I think I have to go to the store tomorrow and get some Epsom salts.

xoxo

-me

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ROADRUNNER

December 6, 2021

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I really enjoy listening to television when I am working. Most of the time I listen to true crime documentaries and I don’t need to watch the actual show. I got tired of the same loop on free TV and found out that someone had left the Netflix signed in! YAY me! I have my own account but I don’t want my stuff cached here. Anyways, I started watching a show called “Episodes”. It’s really funny and it has Matt LeBlanc in it so it’s pretty good. That kept me pretty entertained all day. I soaked up the last little bit of sunshine I could but it turned cold close to quitting time.

Oh!! I saw my very own first roadrunner today. I caught him just in time too! I was working and then I just so happened to look up and there he was just sitting on a rock. I have my camera near me all the time and I slowly lifted it up just in time to get a shot. I was happy my settings were near enough what I needed them to be. These little critters move fast. As soon as I stood up and tried to get another shot he was gone. Vanished!

The weather turned right about the time I was done with work so I went in and took a bath. I have been taking one every time over a shower. I don’t have one at home and although I didn’t know I missed it, I do. I get it now mom, I really do.

I had Spaghetti-O’s tonight. HA! Told you I wasn’t sure how I am still alive. The worst part? I was too lazy to even warm them up. Straight out of the can, like a troglodyte.

Toats is getting increasingly bored and sad but has narrowed down where the mice live. It keeps her close to the door so I won’t complain. I wish she could wander free like at home. This is why we can’t live here. She’s not as happy as I am. Maybe she just needs her family. I know I do.

xoxo

-me

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HAMMOCK

December 5, 2021

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I talked to you today. It was refreshing. I really do miss your arms around me. I feel safe. Your confidence, and the knowledge behind your confidence, are what make me feel safe. It’s important to me. Feeling safe over security. Maybe it’s the same thing? I enjoy it when you get to display your masculinity naturally. Like when we go camping or when we’re out on an adventure and you just solve any problem. You come to a solution so quickly; too. I admire you for that.

I think that’s why I want a life that inspires you to naturally work all year. Maybe I just hate the lazy couch TV days. But I’ll never pass up a day in bed with you doing nothing but being together. Maybe in the future, we can get a two-person hammock so we can lay together.

I often wonder what we will do for fun, I think a simple house with natural landscaping with low maintenance is perfect. That way we have lots of time for exploring and sitting, and watching. I want a day where we lay in a hammock drinking coffee and we watch the sun come up and then you can sip a whiskey at night still laying in the hammock all day.

There wasn’t much to do today. Toats chased bun buns all day and I just basked in the last little bit of sunshine we would get. I do love the nights’ Toats falls asleep on my lap. It’s quiet and I’m comfortable. I won’t have to wake her up and move her. I can’t get into reading right now. Not sure why, nothing is holding my attention. Tonight I will rotate from the couch to the outside to let Toats hunt her mouse. One day, she’ll get it one day.

xoxo

-me

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DAMMED AND WICKED

December 4, 2021

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Today was a late start but I got ready because I was determined to leave my paradise.

I have to go into town so that way I can get a coffee and well and Toats really loves car rides. I think she’s hoping every time we go somewhere we are actually headed home.

I had read the menu for Pappy and Harriet’s previously when I first got here and I really wanted to try it. So we loaded up hoping it wasn’t too busy when we got there. Hat it was only 20 minutes away! We got there and I let Toaters smell around and then we were seated on the patio. She did great. I brought reinforcements this time though. I gave her some treats periodically and she didn’t even care about the other dogs. That is so much better than her barking her head off. I don’t think she likes big dogs. She seems fine with little ones.

I ate about a quarter of the meal; it was good but maybe a little too dry. More than likely I wasn’t really hungry for a burger. I didn’t want to waste the day and I knew that even after our late start we had time to hit Salvation Mountain. I thought a lot about my mom along the way and all the wonderful things she has taught me. Her kindness, being the most prevalent.

When we got to the mountain I felt small, annoyed, disappointed, relieved, and underwhelmed. It was weird when I got there. I figured it was going to be grander and not so disheveled. I bet 20 years ago it was even more amazing. Maybe in the harsh bright light isn’t when you need to see it. I couldn’t stay there at night alone. Maybe in the future, but then I don’t feel like the dammed and wicked that want to be saved are there; instead they are only there to be pitied and have a false sense of control.

We got home and I just needed to sit. It was about 6:30 when I got home. It was dark; so dark. I set up Toat’s bed next to me and she settled in nicely. She will actually fall asleep with her bed next to me. I got some pictures tonight. Hopefully, they came out decent. My equipment is showing its wear and tear. I think the time to slowly upgrade is coming in faster than I expected. I’ll send it in for calibration just in case but you know, I could always go for another body.

I listen to the music for a while and then I turn it off. I like to listen to the noises, most are light traffic. I am trying to find peace in having so many traffic noises but then again, it’s only on Friday and Saturday nights it’s so busy. Don’t sabbatical right next to a National Park :)

xoxo

-me

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AIR TRAFFIC

December 3, 2021

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It’s Friday night and I’m just sitting on the front porch thinking. It’s peaceful, so very peaceful at night. Toats has a bone and is asleep next to me. She barks every now and then. We are going to Pioneertown tomorrow, well maybe, I’m still unsure but I don’t want to think about that now. I’m listening to music and thinking about what my heart wants.

• Think of you. The music is the most to blame. I can hear a connection to you in every song I hear. Sometimes it’s bad but most of the time it’s good and makes me think of our future.
• I miss your hands, your gentle touch. I miss your smile, your sweet face. I miss your laugh, your unhinged joy. I fell asleep to your picture last night. It was one from when we reconnected. Your pure love was apparent then. Your intentions were clear and pure.
• I miss the spontaneous adventures to nowhere, but it never mattered because I was with you. I miss the quiet nights falling asleep in your arms. I miss you.
• Have you ever just sat and truly listened. Nothing to distract you, no movements, no activities, no thoughts; just listening. It’s amazing what you’ll hear.
• The air traffic is crazy busy here. They have some ways to go for LAX so they still fly high. I don’t think I’ve ever been in the middle of nowhere where there’s more sky traffic than ground traffic.
• I miss you more each day. I miss your warmth and company.

xoxo

-me

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SETTLED

December 2, 2021

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Today was busy. I only had time for a few pictures. I did get a video of Toats leaving Twinkle alone today. She did good so I gave her some turkey treat. I went into town twice today. I miss calculated my time zone and was an hour off so I went back after work. I needed to go to Petco but they weren’t open when I went this morning. It’s no big deal to head into town since the holiday passed.

I hope this weekend the park won’t be super busy. I need to get Toats out and about. She has a lot to look at and chase here but I don’t really let her chase anything too far. She and I need to stretch our legs. I think I might go over to Salvation mountain. I want to see it and it’s right next to the Swing where I went the last week. Maybe she and I will go back to the dirty beach and run her for a bit there as well.

I finally got hummingbird nectar. They had one you mix with water and a pre-made one. I got both so I can just add the premade mix into the bottle when that one is gone and the correct amount of water goes into the mix.

This Friday is supposed to be a new moon. Plan on doing some star shots. Maybe in the park.

The horizon is pretty dynamic here so I should have more to shoot at here. There is one I want to get with a certain sign in front of it. I practiced once but I really want to get the stars to shine. I need to brush up on my night settings anyways.

I feel more settled than I have in a long while. Everything slowed down and I feel almost rested. My legs got tan from the sun today. It’s December and I am walking around in shorts and a tank top. I miss the snow for that Christmas time feel but I could certainly get used to this winter weather.

I might have to work a little this weekend. It’s okay, I volunteered and pretty much suggested it since most of the work is babysitting the job I need to kick off. I always hope that I am doing a good enough job there. I do wonder if they miss me. They keep telling me they miss Toats, so I think without saying it, they do. I really enjoy where I work. I feel surrounded by a group of people that I know would do anything for me if I really needed them.

I have pulled more stickies out of Toat’s paws today than any other. She is getting desperate for a fuzzy snack. She is down to listening to me about 30% of the time. She knows how to play me and I let her. She just so dang determined to get the chipmunks. I often get asked why I don’t shave her in the heat. Today I learned why she has the hair she does. It protects her when she is diving after her prey. She has some terrier in her so she definitely wants to go into that burrow and chase. Today, that was a cacti plant. She was unfazed, other than the billion stickies in her feet. Her face is cute when she knows she messed up. She really knows how to use those eyes to sucker you right into feeling sorry for her.

We got her a bully stick tonight. She munched on it and decided she was too tired. I need to keep her up a little bit longer though because she keeps waking me up at the crack of dawn to go get the fuzzy snacks! When we were at the store she ran around and smelled everything. She even only barked at one dog. I often think about what she is saying. I always hope it’s like “Hey what’s up!” but I think it’s more like “Get back otherwise I will take you out.” Confident or cocky, I haven’t decided yet.

xoxo

-me

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TWO COYOTES!!

December 1, 2021

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Okay, nothing is happening all day. I am busy at work just doing what needs to be done. Then HOLY SHIT! No joke, two coyotes came walking right up to the path and I am so very thankful that Toats was sleeping. I saw them before they saw her and she woke up. I jumped out of my chair. Scooped her up and rushed her inside. It’s a sliding glass door that doesn’t really want to work, so I pull the curtains and tell her to stay. I grab my camera and rush back outside just in time for a picture or two. There were two, adolescent males, maybe females. I can’t tell and I’m not a fuzzy expert. I’m was just elated that I got some pics and Toats was none the wiser. Leave it to me to have any noise-making machine off. Thank you for the dogs across the way that alerted me to danger. When we make eye contact I could tell that coyote was like “Oh Fuck!” He turned around slowly but with haste and quickly went for a bush. I tried so fast to move into a place where I could get a decent picture. I am pretty satisfied. They were really far away. Looks like I only got a picture of the one, from the clipped ear, looks like he’s been marked like they do feral cats, but I doubt that.

This place I’m at brings me back into a time I’ve never been in. The broke down and rustic Rte. 66 relics. It’s quiet, that’s for sure. Even Pants has settled. She wakes up ready to chase things all day and has her little routine. We even survey the house before we go to bed and right after we wake up. She has her holes she checks and her hiding spots she has to clear. I love that she gives herself little jobs during the day.

I try and play with her but her focus is chipmunks and bun buns only. I did notice when the crows come. All the critters disappear. They have a very loud flap too. A few have flown over and they aren’t silent flyers.

Things I know:

• I’m not entirely sure how I’ve kept myself alive with my diet.
• I will no doubt die one day by a wild animal. I tried to talk to the coyotes like dogs. I hope it’s a sympathetic predator when my time comes.
• I can stay entertained by just watching the birds.
• I miss my family. I miss you.

xoxo

-me

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CAT LADY

November 30, 2021

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I made friends with bun bun today! He came up and smelled me but didn’t run away. I backed away first then he did. When I came back I offered some food where we met. I hope he lets me keep photographing him. I got some good shots but I lost the light, fast. That’s why I named him Twinkle. I will change it like 20 times but it’s a good start. I think it’s a boy. I see everything as boys unless they are dogs and cats; those are all girls.

Toats is distracted by a mouse the size of a rat today. She saw him for the first time last night. It kept her going for a while but when it gets dark here, it gets dark! So we had to go in. We both saw him today run along his little path. So that pretty much kept her attention most of the day. I’m not sad he’s there and I’ll keep feeding that mouse anything it wants so long as we both understand, no nesting when I’m trying to sleep and don’t get caught. You’re her best leash yet!

Yesterday Toats and I went into town and got more wild bird seed. They love it. So many birds come and grab a snack but so do the chipmunks and buns! I put it down for the first time today and they love the sunflower seeds. The sunflower seeds are what they go after first. The birds have been loving Toats around. They have gotten used to her. She’s not a bird dog and she’ll lay right there while they eat next to her head. She keeps the chipmunks and buns away so it keeps them singing.

I have a never-ending supply of stickers on my skin. The superfine and the hard-to-see kind. I washed with a coarse rag and that didn’t even help. I need to remember to pull Toats stickies out with tweezers. She knows her path, but some of the stickies get caught up in the wind and float on the sand right into her way. It’s the ones that have hair-like spikes. So fine you don’t know they are there until you can’t help but notice. The ones you can’t see no matter what way you rotate your finger in the light.

I like nighttime. What’s up with all the early risers in my life. Always hunting. You for deals, the dogs for squeaky snacks. I need a night owl. Maybe that’s why I like kitties. Eww, am I a cat lady? Nah, I need both to balance me out. I like that you get up early and I like to stay awake late. Not too late though. And, oh! I love, love, love waking up to the natural sunrise every morning. Like summer there. I am glad we got that bulb. It’s not entirely the same, but it’s better than the alarm.

I miss my kitty. She always purrs when I pet her and she always sleeps next to me. She would be so in love here with all the birds. I think we should get her a birdbath or feeder to play with. I think she would come and sit with me just fine in my nature spot. She’d play but eventually tire, once she realized she’s too old to be catching the birds.

I am in love with how peaceful it is here. Maybe it’s the sounds of the freeway that drives me insane?

xoxo

-me

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TWINKLE

November 29, 2021

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The thousand faces of Toats. She’s super over me taking pictures of her. She also knows that she gets treats. Somehow she’s used those eyes and conned me into just giving her treats and no pictures. All she wants to do is chase her bun buns, chipmunks, and the mouse. She’s even figured out her routes so that she can chase without stickies in her feet. I’m only too thankful that the bun buns are too fast for her and can go right into the cacti. It keeps her from running too far.

There are two different kinds that I’ve seen; cottontail bunnies and jackrabbits. I saw my first jackrabbit today but it was quicker than Toats or me. One bun bun that comes around does so right before sunset. I’ve named it Twinkle. It twinkles its nose and its little cottontail.

I put food on the opposite side of the patio the chipmunks are on so I’m hoping I can get a closer picture of it. It didn’t take long for the other animals to get comfortable with me so close. I’m hoping bun bun is the same.

Tip of advice living here. If you need EMT or Fire assistance. If you can give the dispatcher your GPS coordinates. I’ve noticed two days in a row Firetrucks getting lost. Oh! That reminded me. I want to have a place if we can get UPS or whatever delivery, a place they can turn around in. And the UPS drivers outdrive all other drivers. Including the fireman and his super-capable off-road truck. Even the regular firetruck did a better job driving than whoever loves to drive the 4x4. Because whoever that is, needs a wheeling lesson. I know this because of owning the ambulance. I know what those trucks can do and he, unfortunately, drives it like a Prius off-road. Man, I pick on people’s driving a lot. Maybe because it’s a direct reflection of their problem solving, communal responsibility, and forethought abilities. Oh well, drive better!

Work was a nice break from nothing. I am glad I have that constant. Maybe my next challenge is can I do it without work? It has to be a place with lots of wildlife. Preferably warm, because I’m choosing, and not near a national park. Oh, maybe Arkansas. It would give me a good judge on if I want to live there.

I want to bring you next time. Maybe halfway through? I like having my time. It lets me watch without self-induced boredom guilt.

I need to get hummingbird nectar. I’ve seen a few but not long enough for any real pictures. I’ll get another coffee Wednesday or Thursday so I’ll get some then. My stupid espresso machine isn’t working the way I need it to so I’ve cut down on how many I get. Still, I was hoping to really learn and get some good coffee going. Maybe when I get home and have the instructions and a grinder. I think the grind is too fine but nothing comes out so I may need the cleaning tablets.

xoxo

-me

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THOUGHTS

November 28, 2021

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I talked to you today. I didn’t hear your voice, but I did in my head. I am comforted you are getting along and I am excited to read my letters. I am just happy to even have them to read. It gives me hope. It was fate that made us talk before I left. I was ready to throw in the towel, start a new and wait for my sign. But I don’t need to; you gave me something to look forward to. Thank you for hearing me and for listening to me. I love you.

I talked to you, too, today. On the phone, of course, because I needed to hear your voice. I started getting homesick when I thought of you. I hate missing a day with you but know it’s impractical to spend every minute with you. I know you have a long time left but I know that I don’t have forever with you. It was heartwarming to talk to you. I gained the perspectives that I needed that only you have. Nature needs to happen naturally for me to feel grounded. That less is more, and memories, as well as company, are the things we should collect. I am glad you are also focused on your own wisdom. I look forward to the company and memories well overdue to collect. I love you, mama.

I did a lot of thinking today. So I walked around with my phone and wrote some notes. These are my thoughts for the day…

Sometimes I hear the traffic. It used to annoy me but now I hear it as a gentle reminder that I’m still connected. I do love the peacefulness out here though. Even with the heaviest traffic, it’s not as bad as home. I can understand why it would drive someone mad being here too long. It’s too quiet sometimes. It’s in the quiet where we hear the noises. Toats is always on edge when it’s quiet. That’s when I’m the most alert - when she’s on edge. The last thing I need is a jumpy kitty or excited coyote / Toats combo.

I like to wear bright colors and move around when we’re outside. It makes me feel as though any coyote or bobcat would see me as something to be wary of. I’m overly cautious with Toats; the last thing I need is for her to get hurt, and we are still very new to the desert. I think that’s why she misses her sisters, I know I miss my babies.

I like being outside and just listening and watching. I need a place I can go to do that. I wholeheartedly know I need to be connected to Mother Nature. One day I want to count the bottles on the little house for a rough estimate of what I would need to make one because I want a place I can meditate in. Peacefully and uninterrupted.

I want for you too. So it needs to be in the woods. Where you can hear everything but also dampen the sound of everything too if you need to work. I want you to have a shop and to have cars and land to tinker with. Where you can keep your girls and they can chase the world. I need a place of my own, though, away from the noise and chaos. A place with some acreage. A place where you can go boating and we can go exploring. I don’t mind the boat, but, I’m not a water baby, I’m a land lover. If I’m okay with the desert I’m sure I’d be okay with the Idaho desert. No, I need trees. Maybe Robie Creek area? You need your job. You’re like my mom and you’re going to need something to do for the rest of your life. I’m okay with that but we need to be realistic about it.

I love listening to the birds the most. They tell a story if you’re willing to listen for it. They always leave or wait in silence when there is danger around. Most of the time it’s the hawks in the area. It’s when they start talking again that I find the most interesting. I try to figure out what they’re saying. More danger, coast clear, or damn man that was close!

I watched the birds until the sun went down. Then the dogs started to bark and Toats let me know it was time to go inside. I skipped dinner tonight since I had a fest last night. I did; however, make room for a few cookies.

xoxo

-me

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BOBCAT!

November 27, 2021

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Today, wow. Two crazy things happened. First, a lady was walking around outside early this morning. I think she is staying next door and wanted to take pictures of the little house in the back. Toats, the alarm, was barking up a storm and she went away. Good Girl! That’s two early morning visitors of two different kinds. Wonder what will be next.

Second! I saw a freaking BOBCAT! First time in my life. Fun fact, I was going pee when I saw him.

I jumped up, not even caring about anything in the world but to get a picture of the bobcat. Not just any picture because if I wasn’t still so manic to new situations I would have realized that I had a camera in my hand and could have gotten a better picture if he didn’t hear me go “OH! KITTY!” and runoff.

Off he goes so as fast as I can I run to the dresser, grab my camera shuffle outside and get a shit shot of a rear-end. Well, at least I saw him. I stand and watch as he is too far away to get any further and too fast to go around.

In defeat, I now realize my shorts are still around my knees. Oops, I hope you enjoyed the show. I pull my pants up in shame and call out to the kitty one last time. Asking him to come back and to let him know I just wanted to pet him. He didn’t listen but maybe he will sleep on it.

The rest of the day I did nothing. I did start to read my book “Man’s Search For Meaning”. It’s good, set in Nazi-occupied Germany in a concentration camp. I just started so I will give you a debrief later.

I did get to see an off-road firetruck today.

I don’t know what happened but I could hear a kid screaming bloody murder. Probably fell from the rocks, got into a cactus, or maybe got bit by something. All I do know is this kid has been screaming for a minute now. I finally see a firetruck and I’m like oh what! Wonder if it’s for that kid.

I get up and arrange myself to start taking pictures and just watch as it looks like this truck is lost. It’s going up and down back and forth to find this house. They get to this one house and start scouting it out but no one is home.

I can hardly tell the actual details of what is going on, I am just assuming; but they get on their radios and are like “Yo, no one’s home, want us to break it down? Nah, man, they are calling and they are up the road. Oh dang, okay we’ll head that way.”

They finally get headed up the road in the right direction, do what they need to do but in the meantime back here there is nowhere to turn around a giant firetruck, so up the road it goes. By the time it got turned around 5 minutes later the paramedic was done and off they went. No one came out so best case scenario. I watched it drive off but I feel like they saw me and wouldn’t drive closer. Maybe next time.

Today I had three sandwiches, ravioli, Italian pasta from a box with added olives and tomatoes, cookies, and Caprese. I need to cook the chicken I thawed tomorrow. Maybe it needs to go back in the freezer. That was a lot of food for one day!

I miss my family and since it’s check-in day tomorrow I look forward to chatting.

xoxo

-me

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OH MY GOD - BLACK FRIDAY!

November 26, 2021

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Today was light and relaxing. Oh man did I sleep like a baby though. I finally crawled out of bed at 1. I haven’t done that in years. I still had a mid-morning wake-up call for Toats, but even she was tired and wanted more sleep.

OMG Black Friday! I went shopping! Yeah, two places, both touristy places both busy but I suspected slower than any other day. The Joshua Tree Gift Shop and The Station.

I wanted to go to the station because they have a first-gen first g-10 van. Its license plate says NOKTCHP and it’s a chartreuse color. Super neat. Reminded me of Boots. The inside was finished enough but the shopkeeper doesn’t own it. Guess the guy that parks it here for them wants too much. I didn’t ask because anything that someone wants some money for is going to be overpriced.

HA! Toats was freaking out over a plastic Santa at The Station. She was barking and growling at it. She eventually calmed down but then that put her in a mood. She had leash syndrome today so we didn’t get to walk as much as we wanted to. Equate it to a mom dragging her screaming kid out of a grocery store. She was pissed off at everything today so we had to head back to the car. After shopping, we came back to the house and made a proper frozen meal dinner and watched TikTok videos.

Oh, I got some bun bun shots. Toats listened enough that I was able to get a few before it ran off. That was my amazing but relaxing day.

xoxo

-me

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TODAY I START HEALING

November 25, 2021

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I was born of the desert so he shall be returned to the desert.

Nostalgic, personal, fleeting, and cherished. I’m happy that this place, as I know it, will carry him on. The memories and the history here all tell a story. I couldn’t have chosen a better place to grieve and release. I couldn’t have chosen a better place to tell my story.

Today was hard and I should have known that today was going to be a challenge. It started with a 4:45 am wake-up call to let Toats out. I don’t like going out when it’s dark outside. She doesn’t move far away from me, but you never know. After I coaxed her inside and let her watch the backyard, I was able to get a few more hours of sleep. That was until I hear growling and barking. I quickly wake up and expect to see a person walking in the wash. Oh no, two good size coyotes come walking through camp. Right on the patio past the back door nonchalant and unbothered by the barking inside. I jump out of bed to get a picture through the window but they were faster than me and disappeared into the landscape. That left me a little worried and made for a slow start to the day. I didn’t want to go outside with Toats in case they were still around. Finally, around midmorning, I got ready and prepared myself for what was to come today. I promised myself I would honor him and so I would. Coyotes or not.

Today I let my heart start healing. I will let go of the dreams and hopes of you. Today I will honor what you would have been and forever know you as Baby Declan. Today, on this day I wish I was sharing with my family, I will love you for what you gave me. A hope and a spark inside me so strong it ripped me apart when it went out. I don’t pretend to know the plans that are greater than me but I do hope that you were born into someone who needed you more. That your soul, instead of growing inside me, fills another. I hope that your light and your essence reach those that need you. I will always love the idea of you and the dream come true you provided.

I carefully picked up his things and arranged them on the clothesline. It was hard hanging them up knowing that I won’t be taking them down. It’s like the clothesline was waiting for me to hang Declan’s things. I have two pairs of shoes for him, so I hung a set with his coming home outfit and sat with the other set until I found the perfect place to set them forever. I sat with him on the swing set and on the marry-go round. Thinking and letting go of what could be and what I so wished would have been.

After pictures, I had a cry for an hour or so and then got up determined not to make this day sad. I wanted to head to Bombay Beach over in the Salton Sea are. What better day, than on this day of thanks, to go reflect and sit by the dying sea.

It’s funny I chose this place. Once a place of happiness and summer vibes. Now a sea retreating in on itself. It smells of death and I immediately thought of my soul. I will leave my grief here. It’s accustomed to handling the broken dreams of the romantic.

When we arrived there were a few people, mostly those that wouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Some photographers, and a few recreationists. Toats and I showed up 3 hours before sunset so I could make sure that I got the spot I wanted. I am glad we did because people crowded around me to get the same shot. Not sure if they saw me as an authority on where you should shoot or if it was the only angle everyone enjoyed. The tripod that I fought so hard to get SUCKS! I made do, but it’s going back.

I was able to get a few shots that I was satisfied with but always so glad that I overshoot. When I go to edit I always find something wrong. It’s the bigger screen. All my pictures look amazing as thumbnail size. I think some of these pictures will make it on my walls at home.

I sat in this spot inspired by a picture I saw online. I keep seeing in my head; you on my lap laughing and giggling. I have surrendered thinking you will be here with me in my arms. So I sit here getting this picture for you. A swing we can never swing on but ethereal enough to be in heaven.

After I was done, Toats and I packed up and headed back to the car. She was finally able to run around and smell and be as cute as only she can be. She did so so so good when other people were around, she hung out, kept an eye on everyone, and only started making noise when they got too close. One guy commented on how well she just hung out and how chill she is. You’re right she is really chill and a super cool dog. Thank you for noticing. I kind of needed those kind words today.

We got back and I still had a tiny bit of shooting still to do, so I set up in the back. I got a few night shots with the Christmas lights on. It’s after Thanksgiving so now these can stay on. I also needed to eat my pumpkin pie. I got a pumpkin pie a few days ago. It came in a box! You know it’s going to taste homemade when it comes in a box. It wasn’t horrible. I will eat it again but I do prefer mine. Toats had a carrot with some whipped cream, a fresh meat meal from the refrigerated dog food section, and a few extra dollops of whipped cream, because why not? She’s sleeping now. I don’t think I should have given her the soft food. It’s making her farts really stinky.

I wish today you could have experienced the welcome chaos that is so lovingly, my family. Your grammy would have stolen you from me. We would have sat around telling stories, watching you play. Your grandpa would have only wanted to hold you after he has eaten, or if you were in a good enough mood. Your dad would fuss and worry that the worst would happen to you. Eventually, he would have relaxed. I would have watched you eat your first taste of pumpkin pie. Not too much, you would have just been a baby. But none of that can happen and none of that can come true. Instead, I will eat in silence and isolation to let go of all my hopes and dreams for you. Toats and I will share in a laugh. She would have been your best buddy.

I’m not sure what is in store for tomorrow. Sometime before the days’ end, I need to write a goodbye letter and place it in a bottle here. After that, maybe I will take back the tripod. This time though, I will start off in the right direction.

xoxo

-me

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BUN BUNS

November 24, 2021

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I had cookies and whipped cream today for breakfast and lunch. It wasn’t worth it, but I did make a pretty decent coffee today. I forgot the ice last night because I was so tired of waiting on pizza and I wanted to get the ice last so it didn’t melt. Oh well. The fridge keeps things cold so I just used the cold milk to cool it down. Today between calls and one outage at work that left me with not much to do I filled my time training Toats to stay and not chase the little critters and me while I photograph them.

It’s windy here. It’s cold but it’s not. The wind has a winter bite but not like I am used to. The bitter cold winds in the north burn your cheeks and crack your lips. This wind is more of a reminder of what I am missing while sucking every ounce of moisture out of me as it passes by. My coworker told me it snowed. I miss the quiet the snow brings and how time stands still. If this house I am staying at wasn’t so quiet, I would long for the snow. I think the weather has been perfect for Toats. I was a little worried she would be too hot.

Here are a few things I realized today. However much I love the stillness and the untrusting nature of the desert, I could only be here in the winter. It’s too hard on her when it’s hot. She is cold-natured and the current temps are great. Now I know why people migrate like birds.

I also couldn’t live here because of the other pups. I love watching nature but the other dogs are more calculating. That would ruin the natural order of things. Maybe I could have my own acre or a place outside the fence where I can watch nature as it exists.

Toats and I are working slowly to get her to settle and relax when I feed the chipmunks and birds. It’s taken a while but she is doing amazing. It’s allowed me the ability to shoot wildlife. It takes a patient pup not to chase these critter-sized snacks because we have to sit still and be quiet for a long time. It’s the only way the little ones come out and get some food. I was happy to hear the owner of the place encourages the little guys to come around, he even left the food for me to sprinkle around. The only thing Toats has had an issue with is when the bun buns come around. She’s quick too, I can’t stop either one of them. She knows her boundary line so that helps, but man, I want some pictures! The bun buns are smart though and don’t come around until after we go in. I got a side shot of one that I snuck around and saw. I had to leave Toats inside though. Maybe I will get close enough to them in the mornings when she is still sleeping.

I have been thinking of how I want to honor Declan. I want to do it tomorrow. For all it’s worth, I am glad I have gone through what I did, and am currently going through. I have a few ideas running through my head. Tomorrow because it is the day of thanks. I will dedicate my time to photographing the things I kept. It makes me teary-eyed just looking at them or thinking about them so tomorrow will be a struggle but a struggle I am looking forward to. I chose tomorrow because I want my favorite holiday to personally be in his honor. Thanksgiving to me is the most special holiday. For me, it is about getting together and sharing a day of love and gathering. It’s what I looked forward to with him the most. I will write about this tomorrow because I feel like I will do him more honor after I’ve had time to sit with him on our day of thanks.

I wish everyone a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving. Give your loved ones a new memory with you, lend a listening ear, and slow down just a little to watch the magic as the smiles and laugher saturate the room.

If your Thanksgiving is not like this, I recommend some personal reflection and I send you all my love.

xoxo

-me

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BUTTER WARMER

November 23, 2021

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Today was pretty uneventful. It only took an hour for the pizza I ordered, and I got curbside for a Walmart order. That was nice that I didn’t have to go in. Work was great. Finally got an issue I was working on taken care of finally so I can move forward with my project. Toats and I got out to do some pictures around the house.

Oh! I did get the opportunity to do some laundry. This little house I am staying at is a great size. The back sliding glass door is broken, but with that fixed, it would be perfect. I do laundry out in a little side shed, and because the weather is so nice it’s not bothersome at all. Really it’s all wrapped up in a nice little efficient package. I think this weekend I will stay in the bottle house. I am excited to wake up in it. I will absolutely require one in my house someday. Maybe if we stay at our current house I can knock down a wall or two. I have really enjoyed getting back to a simpler way of life and a slower-paced lifestyle. The fridge has a butter warmer like the one I have waiting for me at home. It’s crazy to me I haven’t felt lonelier than I have been.

I miss my family but I don’t have the pull to go back yet. It helps to know that I had their full support before I left. That way I don’t have a bunch of weight on my shoulders the whole time. If you are reading this, I love you and miss you. I feel the settling in my heart, so know all this is worth it.

I miss you. I almost texted you.

The process of waiting for food is almost enough to make me start cooking. I feel bad about the way food service workers are treated. Everyone is rude to them and in turn, they are rude to everyone they come across. Vicious cycle. Speaking of which, I need to restart a load of laundry in the dryer.

xoxo

-me

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GET OUT OF MY WAY… BURRITO!

November 22, 2021

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Today was an adventure, to say the least. First, I had to go to Walmart for my groceries. I discovered that if you have headphones it makes shopping that much more pleasurable. I got some lanterns, a package of night lights, a blanket, slippers, a tabletop heater, yearn, and some food, and probably some other things but meh. . I forgot my tripod so I had to find one later. I had to work when I got back from shopping so I did it after work and picked one out at Best Buy. Easy Pease. HA! Nope. If I can fuck it up, I probably will. I ordered my tripod from the Best Buy in Palm Desert. It was only an hour away and my order would take an hour to fulfill. Awesome, let’s go.

I google maps the directions from my computer and send them to my phone, load up Toats and start driving. The problem is, when I sent my phone the directions, I failed to notice I googled the wrong Best Buy. I was driving to Beaumont. Only I don’t know shit about this area and drive 20 miles in the wrong direction. But wait… do a little jiggle because you know what’s next is even better. Yes, yes I park at Best buy and press, hey I’m here. Ding, we’re on our way out, show the attendant your code. Yeah, easy as fuck, this is great. So I pop out of my car and go open the trunk and plop a squat until the person comes. I’m watching traffic and people just having a great time because this was easy and I will get back in time for some pictures. I check my phone. It’s been 7 minutes, and it says “it’s taking a little longer than expected so please be patient.” Okay, cool. I have the car running because I can, and fuck California and your diesel fuel prices. It’s my own personal payback for having to deal with your shitty drivers.

Damn, where is this dude? Where did my check-in go? I check in again. No text right away.

I assumed that’s because they had already had me checked in and they are prepared for repeat check-ins. But it’s been 20 minutes, this is dumb. I’ll just go in. I reach the cashier after 10 minutes and say,

“Hey, yo. No one came to my car, did I miss them?” “Nah, I don’t see your order here, let me check with this guy in a yellow shirt.” “Yeah, that’s rad, please do that.”

Talkie… Talkie… Talkie. Let me go over there.

“Hey, yeah, yo. This is my order, is that here?” “No, you dumb ass, that’s at the other store.” “Oh fuck, no way!” “Yeah, go back to Idaho, also, I know someone that just moved there.” “Okay cool; have it, it’s no longer Idaho.”

What the fuck! Let me go to my order and check what the fuck just happened. Oh oops. Okay, well, there go my dreams of Wienerschnitzel.

Where am I going, Awesome, the other way. “Alright pants, let’s go. Let’s practice our defensive and aggressive driving maneuvers.”

We’re jamming out and she’s panting. Okay fine, I turn the AC on. It’s so cold. I am happy for heated seats that actually get hot; they leveled me out. On the way to the correct Best Buy in Palm Desert, we run into little traffic. I am positive it has to be a tourist right? The ones that go 10 under the speed limits? I am going to figure as much, seeing as how close I am to the park. Anyways, we go in and out of traffic and watch how people disregard the truckers like they are big dumb blocks that get in the way. I sing country songs at the top of my lungs because I can and no one can hear me. I notice the squelches the tires make on certain parts of the freeway. Sounds like you have a tire out of alignment and you’re pushing it along. We finally get to our exit and head towards the store through town about 6 miles into town. Without incident, I park, walk-in, show them my order, get my tripod, and leave. Oh, wait! Chipotle. Okay, I’ll settle on a burrito!

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love burritos! Toats, we’re getting burritos! Oh, let’s potty first.”

Once we got the burrito ordered and we left, I put the directions back in my phone for the house and start driving.

“Headed home gonna eat a burrito! Pants we gonna eat burritos! But not you because you’re fat!” What the fuck, why am I doing a U-turn? “OMFG. PUGOTTIE! I went in the wrong fucking direction. I needed East and I chose West! Now my burrito is going to be cold.” Alright dang it, who cares, let’s turn around! “Getting off the freeway, getting off the freeway. I’m a fucking idiot, but I don’t care. Because all I care about is eating my burrito.” Driving in the right direction… driving… in the right direction. Ah! The hill! “I’m going up a mountain pass, I’m going up a mountain pass, I’m going up a mountain PASS and I’m gonna pass every one of you FUCKS.” Ugh, get out of the fucking way, just let me BYYYYYY, I promise I will be quick. Okay, finally. SPEED LIMIT! Here I come! “What, what! I’m going the speed limit! What, what, what! I’m going the speeeeeeddddddd LIMIT!” Up the mountain I go, bye-bye fuckers! Oh damn, that was short. Oh well still fun! Alright, there’s a nice gap they should be back there for some time. “What the hell, you fucking guys.” Can’t go the speed limit when I want you to, but speed wherever the fuck you want. It’s okay, I don’t mind. Back and forth, back and forth with traffic all the way to the house. “YAY! We made it Pantees. It Is Mother Fucking Burrito Time!”

The only thing that made this a great accident, even though I didn’t want to jump right back into a car and drive that fucking much, was there wasn’t much traffic. Most people leave the park right after dusk, I can see them come down the hill. I will get a picture now that I have a tripod. So most of the traffic had settled. I ran into more down than I did up. I also pushed three people up the hill. It is a super fun drive in and out of Joshua Tree as long as it’s light or no traffic. It’s a long windy hill that will challenge even the best of drivers. The problem is if it challenges confidant drivers, what does it do for normal drivers? It scares the shit out of them and they don’t know how fast to go in the corners and get scared if they have to pass someone. Remember how no one from California likes to get over from the left lane?? Yeah, me too. They go fast in the straights but completely choke on a curvy mountain road. I drove an extra 40 miles and one extra hour for a grand total round trip of 145 miles and 3 hours for a tripod. I think night driving is becoming my jam.

We got back so late I didn’t want to get set up for night photos. I will, finally, start photos tomorrow? I need to create the picture in my head and Cacti. There is so much here to shoot. I am excited to start.

xoxo

-me

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CATHARTIC

November 21, 2021

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We made it. It’s been a ride. This is the furthest I’ve ever been in my life alone. Before this… McCall? Damn, no, maybe Idaho Falls; but still. WTF. No wonder I feel this much anxiety and excitement.

The ride was in short – Cathartic

These are some of my observations. Idaho drivers are slow and cautious and married to the left lane, Utah drivers are fast and nervous, California drivers are fast and fearless, Nevadan drivers are indiscrete. Almost no one from Utah and California uses their signals but they are the ones that route traffic three-lane changes ahead. Californians are more inconsiderate than Utahans by comparing my drives through Las Vegas and SLC. Almost everyone gets out from behind a semi-truck way too soon causing the pile-up next to the semi. No need to linger in the inevitable truck pass lane. It’s rude and holds up more confident drivers. Be kind, get over and get closer. Drive 5 over in Idaho to SLC and you won’t have cluster traffic. In SLC drive like you mean it and keep up with traffic, don’t look down. Drive 3 over in S. Utah and you’ll have no clusters. From US-93 and I-15 merge until Nipton Rd, CA is a disaster. Good luck and say your prayers. Did you know the town of Nipton is for sale? I need to look into this. The drive through the Mojave Nation Park stay to 5 over. If you give plenty of room to everyone who takes the back roads to go fast and help get them around as quickly as possible you’ll enjoy the drive much more than fighting with the other drivers. I averaged this many 50.3 mpg and went 991.8 miles. I went into two gas stations, and one rest stop. I had to use a key for the bathroom at the gas station in Provo. I went to bed with the worst headache last night but I was so tired I actually slept. The first time I could sleep in Toats woke me up! OMG, HA!

People love to go fast. I enjoyed going a little slower this time. Pants and I stopped a little more or less than I expected. Not sure yet. Dutch and Zamzows in Meridian, a gas station in Twin Falls, a rest stop Snowville, the last Dutch in Provo, and a gas station, finishing off in St. George. Then Dutch and Albertsons in the morning heading off to Las Vegas. I stopped at Planet 13, then a gas station in Jean, a roadside stop in the Mojave National Preserve, and finally a dog park in 29 Palms. Once we got close to town it was time to eat so we went to The Rib Co. Then Petco in Yucca Valley for some previsions and then we finally arrived at the House.

There were zero problems on my trip. Well one actually, I take that back. Chase thought I was a fraud transaction when I tried to make a purchase at Planet 13, but we got that sorted out.

The most peaceful time was after it turned dark near Nephi. There wasn’t that much traffic and because I was able to stay away from slow and fast drivers I didn’t have a lot of blinding company. It’s almost as if you were driving west towards Pasco at night. It was pleasant. My car is the best thing ever made for a road trip. The seats are so comfortable I didn’t feel the need to fidget, you sit lower than the trucks as some other cars so it’s easy to avoid blinding lights and you stop less, or so I think.

Somewhere between the AZ and NV border toward Vegas I was weaving in and out of traffic as I passed trucks, motorhomes, cars; etc. and I come upon a particular motorhome. I could never tell you what the driver looked like, what make, what model, even what kind of graphics were on it. I failed to notice those details. It’ll probably be my demise one day, but oh well. Toats and I were sweeping down the road so smoothly we should have filmed it. I pass this nonchalant motorhome and in my rearview mirror greats me the biggest goofiest flat-faced motorhome with a literal smile on it. It was the happiest part of my drive. If you drive a flat-faced motorhome put a smile on it; if it didn’t already come with one.

I had two really wow moments. One was the sunset on the mountain S. of Nephi. The reds, oranges, pinks, purples, and blues were magical but only too fleeting for my selfishness. The other was through the Mojave National Preserve. It wasn’t necessarily the prettiest place but it was so calming. This is the road everyone wanted to break records. I helped them; moving as far right as I could as they passed and waving them on. It was slow and cleansing.

Toats seems sad. I am sure she misses her family. She got out at the dog park that, even though there weren’t any other dogs there, it did let her run around and smell and explore. She did get to say hi to one dog at lunch. We have some errands to run tomorrow but after that, we can go explore. I need to get her trimmed back because her fur is like Velcro. So now I have to find a groomer or maybe I get some trimmers. We’ll see. She got in big trouble when she ran after a rabbit today but I am glad she did because she got in a mess of desert stickies and decided to lay down the rest of the night. She’ll learn. She is super mad I won’t let her out at night because the coyotes know she is here. They were talking tonight really, really close to us. She’s currently passed out next to me.

Tonight when the coyotes were introducing themselves to us, it was scary for me. Not because I am scared of them but I am scared of the what-if possibility. I respect my fear and it will keep her safe while were here. I can’t imagine what would happen to me if I lost her. But the best part of the entire trip was the morning in St. George when we stopped at Albertsons for some carrots for Toats. She had to stay in the car so she didn’t know. The second she sees them she goes crazy, starts yelling, and jumps up and down. It made me happy to see her happy for a change.

I feel a little anxious here but that’s probably a natural fear. I’m more on edge but also relaxed. I don’t really feel unsafe. I just feel like I need to feel unsafe so I stay aware. I hope I relax soon.

I am crossing my fingers I can get enough service here to work tomorrow, otherwise, I will have to find a plan B. I will be sad if I can’t work because I was told it was possible. I will become a Starbucks fan if I need to. Good thing Pumpkin Spice is in season… I brought my espresso machine. HA!

Tonight after I am done editing the photo for yesterday’s post, I am going to sit outside for 30 minutes and just listen. After that, I will be ready for bed. I will listen to the mice crawl across the roof and the coyotes talk and chitter. I will have to focus on work tomorrow but give me a few days to get a routine for this and I can start whatever the fuck I want to start.

xoxo

-me

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ALL I WANT NOW IS NOTHING

November 18, 2021

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I spit a lot of words out, but most of them won’t make it past my brow. It’s better that way, no one ever needs to be inside my headspace. It’s a complicated maze of dejection, agony, sorrow, rage, violence, frustration, failure, and self-flagellation. It wasn’t always this way. I used to have hopes and dreams and sunny days. I used to know that I could conquer the world and take the space on this earth that was rightfully mine. I was a strong unstoppable force to be reckoned with. Bitchy, cold-hearted, mean, unmoving, judgmental; these are my new titles. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my words on my cuff. I’m learning how to soften my words and my questions to relax my soul but with the chaos around me, I can’t quite seem to completely disconnect to reset.

You wonder why is my soul so broken? In a shorthand version that has taken me years, months, and weeks to delineate, I was promised a life that had no foundation and will never bear fruit. In that promise, I conjectured a beautiful Utopia. When reality hit, it shattered everything I knew. I fairytaled myself. It’s really my own fault. I never thought this would break me because it wasn’t a possibility that I was prepared for. I refused to acknowledge those pages and now I am unprepared for my reality. I was told to stop apologizing for not being strong enough for something I couldn’t see coming; I try but fail. I carry a ton of guilt, but only for the protection of others – or at least that is the excuse I give myself. I learned early in life if I can carry the guilt for me, for you, for us, I can control it. This time I can’t. Fuck.

It’s just two days before I go, and I am more lost now than I was a month ago when I decided to set out on this journey of healing and release. Release - that is a better word than healing. I don’t know that my heart will ever really heal but I am hopeful. I went to the chiropractor the other day and he told me that I should look at my issues like a scab - I didn’t emotionally vomit on him, he was referring to my hip. He said, the body constricts to heal, it tightens up to reduce the affected area, to make it smaller, and protect the wound. If we stretch it then we break the protective bonds of the scab disrupting the job we need it to do, and now we’re back at square one. My life feels like a scab I am trying to stretch out, bend it to my will almost. My soul is calling for me to sit tight while it does what it knows how to do without me intervening. I didn’t expect a wise old man to give me such a palatable analogy to relate to whilst making rice crispies - thank you. It’s what I needed to know before I left.

I look forward to the changes the desert can make to my soul. The isolation and the inability to stretch my scars. I am looking for peacefulness to wash over me.

“A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right.” Nicky Santoro, Casino.

I hope I do it right.

Why the desert? I was born there, it’s where my roots are. The hysterical battle that I had trying to decide on the right hole is something I could never put to paper. I am so unsettled it took me longer than I wanted to decide where I even wanted to isolate myself to. Do I go to the trees and let the dark conifers do their job? Perhaps the tide could do a better job taking everything out to sea. The winds over the grasslands could sing my song and help me find the right tune. The snow-covered caps towering over an alpine lake can help me ice my wounds. Deciding what to eat after you’ve just eaten is an unreasonable task; deciding on where to hide when you are hinging inside yourself is impossible. Finally, my heart only warmed to the idea of a desert refuge. The desert is where I can find burritos and count the stars. Only in the thoughts of a blank canvas emerged a small glimmer of “there she is”. My granny is calling me home and I feel it now. She taught me to be connected to the land. There is nothing in the desert and all I want now is nothing, just to be connected.

I don’t know how consistent I will be, but let’s raise a glass to me intending on documenting each day, each feeling, each fleeting thought. Follow along at your own risk.

I’m not kidding. Nothing is off-limits, and you may find a connection to you that makes you uncomfortable, hopeful, hurt, or inspired. You may learn more about me than you wanted. You will read into things and make them about you. Not my problem anymore, deal with it, I am. Whatever I decide to experience, wherever I decide to adventure, or even discover is up to me without the consequence of others’ thoughts and opinions. Love me for me, not what you think I should be.

xoxo

-me

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NOTEBOOK

This is from my notebook. None of them have dates. The approximate time frame for these would be September - November 2021.

These are not in order and I do not know exactly when they break. This will be written as one entry.

________________________________________________________________

I always start by assuming I have something great and important to say. Regardless it turns into a reflection of my complaints. My therapist says I shouldn’t talk about myself this way but I can’t help it. I know I have a ton of growth and healing to do.

I started thinking about my future and what it really looks like. Recently I have been thinking about moving across the country. Mom suggested more of a sabbatical trip. Perhaps a meditation retreat. I want to be reconnected with the earth not so much connect with the people.

Titles do not define what you are. Actions do.

If this is true I need to take action and throw mild caution to the wind. Opinions make me hesitate and backhanded support makes me doubtful of my abilities.

Maybe I will start with a bed. Wooden or metal but full of color. It needs to clean easily because of the puppies and kitty. I need to clean more.

My boss gave me the okay. The only thing stopping me is ME. I wonder if I am strong enough. I need to make sure I am not running but honestly healing. I’ll talk to Dr. Sam.

Plan this out until I talk myself out of it. Pick a date and go.

Remove the excuses and you’ll remove the ability or lie to yourself.

I’m going to Joshua Tree California. I’ll be here for 30 days with just me and Toats. The host said there are predators so I have to research that today.

My boss gave the okay. Jason gave the okay. HOLY FUCK!!

Places I want to see:

Noah Purifoy Desert - puppy friendly

Salton Sea

Anza Borrego State Park - puppy friendly

Pioneertown

Art workshop?

Blue Barn Ranch - train pants?

Succulent Nursery

Cabazon Dinosaurs - puppy friendly

Skydive

Friendship Park - Border Wall

Sky Dive Zion!

Dog Beach - San Diego

I think I have marked all the places I’m going to try and see. I’m so nervous that I almost thought about canceling my reservation to look for something better or in a new location. I’ve got a dozen or so attractions that should be free so I think I’ll stay. I’m staying at a place called Bungalow in the Boulders. Looks like the critters for Pants are coyotes. I’ll keep her near me. I talked to a co-worker who lived there and I was told to just keep her close.

Joshua Tree/Palm Springs Here I come!

Oh, I’m going Nov 20 - December 20? I’ll come home for Christmas but not sure how many days before or if it’s on Christmas.

I think I will go through Zion and skydive.

Mom came up with a perfect reflective are piece I can make. It’s a textured tapestry. Think macramé but not as boring or trendy. It’s a story piece about whatever I want. We discussed doing a life progression, a mood one, a story one, and even a family one. Of course, I went too far. I’m thinking of a million ideas.

I want to do a calendar one for sure. 30 rows each day a feeling. I want to do a simple release ceremony so perhaps that could be reflected. I kept thinking about Granny so I want to try and push this feeling. I want to feel connected that way again.

Cassy told me about the Wim Hof Breathing method. This may be something I could do before a meditation session.

Am I jealous? I wasn’t raised with a best friend. I feel judged with a side-eye. I wasn’t this triggered since July. I need to tell Dr. Sam about this.

I don’t know why

It’s okay to feel

What am I feeling?

Fear

Sadness

Loss

Desperate

Childish

Jealous

Ridiculous

Worried

Unkept promises make this worse. This can’t be all there is. I still have at least 30 years left. I am too young for this.

How long do I do this for, wait and see? What happens. Time will fix everything.

I think it’s time to be wanted - completely. He does it on purpose.

I need to move away from here. Looked at homes in AR. It’s so pretty there. I need to vacation there to check out the bugs. Jason and I might go next year.

He’s in therapy separate from mine. It’s helped. Mostly because he’s stopped punishing me for my grief.

I leave in 16 days. I’m nervous.

You traveled again. A new company a new adventure. Meeting so many new people engulfing them with your charm and wit. I miss that Jason. The strong self-assured asshole that swept me off my feet. Actually no, I don’t think I do. That version of you is too confident.

I tried to trace Pant’s head. She didn’t let me She’s sometimes the only friend I have. She knows too. Silly ass dog.

Things I want to take:

Coffee maker

Pants work bed/supplies

Camera gear

Pillows

Jump Starter

Laptop

Make-up

Hair Things

If you’re my everything… shouldn’t you be my everything?

I’m turning more selfish in my wants and needs. Less willing to compromise.

The Emotion - BØRNS

Drive through the time zones

Escape out of my mind zone, love

I lost you not log ago; heaven knows

I’m miserable.

—-

The emotion is building up inside of me

And what you’re looking for is suddenly out of reach

Unknown- I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was.

We have a unique connection. One where we can still sit, talk, understand, and possibly heal.

I feel better. Sad but better. It took both of us to understand where we broke apart from one another.

You have to align my dreams with yours and vice versa. I asked you not to cross that line, and when you did only in obligation, the integrity and strength of our relationship never came with you. Thank you for seeing and understanding my pain.

—

I crave the crisp air on my skin like I crave the warm embrace of preheated bed. I crave it like the welcoming embrace of a blanket, I want the comfort of a baby in my lap, the security of its warm fibers. The playfulness in sharing and the intimacy of secrets below. I crave the crisp cold air like the calming of the soul. A reset and rest. I long for a peacefulness that touches your cheek with a cold winter wind. A loneliness that covers you like a rapacious blizzard. I crave the ice-cold and the peaceful sleep. The silence and nature. I crave the silence and stillness of the cruel cold winter deep in the middle of nowhere, far away from everyone. Heal my soul and freeze my heart before it becomes too late. Hold it dear and look forward to the thaw. Worry less focus more. Count the leaves until the end of fall.

I would if I could. Undoubtedly the worst letdown. I would if you weren’t this. I could if you weren’t that. But it’s not about me except it is because he approached me. He rubbed me to tell me I wasn’t good enough. He touched me just to reject me. I would if I could but really I don’t want to… There’s something that’s not me. I would if I could, let’s sleep on that, I wish you goodnight almost not good enough. Until you are my sweet medicated sorrow.

You ask, I lie. I can’t trust you so how could I tell you. In the middle of nowhere, you still had to have it. Addicted are we, there’s something. There has to be. Virgin dawns and desolate sunsets await but yet you can’t entertain a private audience. An addiction to the movements and sounds, fixated on the surprise. The keeper of all the pain and sadness. The distraction of the ill-informed friend. The killer of hopes and dreams. The sole reason for soiled ties.

Did you know my family is full of talented people who wasted away? I didn’t until I stood still long enough to realize I’m quickly falling into that same pattern. An artist’s soul, always the martyr never the selfish. Selfishly sad though I would say. To feel this deep is a curse. I envy those that feel nothing and know even less. A never-ending fight between grey disputants. A battle inside my head telling myself yes and no. Angle or devil, left or right, logical or emotional.

Sometimes I wonder if my wants vs needs are too far apart. Craving only what I can’t have or needing what won’t be provided. Complicated by soulful obligation and social implications. I can only remedy this myself so well when help is burdened by heavy hearts and sad endless pit of past misery. Are broken souls suitable to make these judgment calls or are they better equipped to float and flee?

I have no meaning or purpose. Just be quiet and do it how I want. The fight for my own is too much. I’m dead inside love another.

An internal burdened obligation to be happy only rips the wounds wider. Blue was a horrible choice. I would have loved it for Declan’s room but that’s not even a real person so why does it make me want to scream. I feel like an out-of-control toddler. It’s just a color it’s just a room. I’m smoking now. I won’t buy another. It’s 7 minutes of clarity of nothing of peace. Turn back to life. I don’t know how much longer I can last. I’ll destroy everything in my war. It wasn’t ever intended to be my story.

I will not talk on the phone for the first year

I will always pick up

You can write me letters for 6 months and then text/write after that

Make me make you fall in love with me.

Make me fall in love with you.

Stop being angry all the time

Feel like I’m stuck

It’ll always be a convenient excuse to stay

Will work even allow this

Where do I go

Do I start the life we want

Do I start the life I want

Do I go where we choose and I choose my house

I choose where and we choose a house

We choose where and I choose a house

I stay here and feel angry and resentful

Can I even prove it to myself

Can I even convince myself

Am I even strong enough

I heard more about him than just asking me. It’s always a struggle.

I’m angry I need hi

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I FINALLY KNOW

August 7, 2021

You drank and were merry. You played on a boat and cared little. In sickness, I died alone. No wonder I feel this way. Still.

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LISTLESS

July 22, 2021

Love and happiness are separate. Never obligated to each other. Pulling in one direction or the other, abating and cultivated simultaneously. When is enough, enough for you? I don’t think you're happy, I think you’re in love.

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FUCK IT - HERE WE GO

July 2, 2021

I want to write down what is in my head instead of holding it in my heart. The problem is knowing that I am the problem. My anxiety has taken over my life. So, fuck it, why not let random people on the internet know what I am going through or at least what I am thinking. If I keep telling you, one day you will realize what a bat shit crazy person I am and probably will do what I manifest in my head anyway. Perhaps getting it out will relieve all this. It’ll allow me to go back and read my own crazy. So here we go. Ready for the crazy ride that I deal with each waking hour?

I have had a pit in my stomach for about a month now. I feel like you are hiding something from me. I have brought this up to you because I don’t want this to cause a huge rift and we’ve talked about it. I have looked through your phone and everything I could think of and have found nothing. I know logically that there is nothing there; however, my stomach says different. This is where we will start. I will write down my thoughts as they happen so I can process them out because holding them in had me so upset I was puking today. I’ve lost my appetite and I am almost certain you are going to leave me for someone else. This must be a part of the stage of grief I am going through, that or I really have finally gone mad.

You are gone camping and I have tried to reassure myself that you aren’t talking to anyone but in a place with no service my head tells me that you have service and are talking to “them” - we’ll call it that since there is no one and these are generalized assumptions anyways. They have your attention and you are sharing your thoughts and feelings and telling them how much you can’t wait to see them and feel them again. You will probably wait until your next work trip since it would be too hard to maneuver around town without me knowing. Work trips are an easy cheat. So that means it has to be someone from work. Or you just talk to them through your work email and messenger.

But let’s take a step back and say you are cheating - that’s the strongest feeling I have, that you are hiding your cheating. So what, am I going to leave you? No. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it. I am sitting here nauseous over my own thoughts. I can create such a world in my head that it’s manifesting externally. How powerful the mind is, so how do I get it to stop?

You just texted me and told me you drank too much. Good for you I guess. Now I all can think about are the things you won’t remember when you are sober that you did drunk. You mentioned the other day that you liked me being more attentive to you and your needs. So I was thinking last night while I had a crap ton of time to get my nerves in a knot, if you are cheating, why not lure you home by being the person you need me to be? Why does this always have to be you being the bad guy? I am the one with the thoughts and I am creating you to be a bad person. How do I shift my thoughts back to the person you were before I went crazy? How do I stop obsessing that you are hiding something? I am sure more thoughts are to follow…

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BROKEN SOUL

April 28, 2021

Last night I broke down because you got scared and yelled. I would have, under any other circumstance, understood; however, when I told you that I was having a sad day I was not kidding. I was having a very sad day and that reaction – however normal and valid – took me over the edge. It broke my soul even more. It reassured me that no matter my state of mind I can still be hurt more, fall harder, and feel more and ever increasingly alone. What hurts the most was that it was you that broke me down. I don’t want to feel this way, no normal person chooses to be this sad. It’s not fun, it hurts, and it’s isolating.

I’m not sure when we disconnected but it was probably when I miscarried. I have felt so alone since. Have you ever been standing next to someone and felt lost? I feel this way every day. We connect when you choose and when it’s right for you. Perhaps when you’ve had a drink or four; or maybe just maybe we can connect when I can muster up the courage, strength, and confidence to initiate contact on my own. The expectation to be better faster only makes it worse.

I tried to do something fun and romantic just for you in a way that I knew how so I took pictures, those are fun, good job. No matter what you said, that’s what I heard. In short, I only heard oh fun, okay next. I felt so defeated when the only reaction was empty thumbs-ups and likes almost like a social media post. At least that’s what it felt like. I feel unwanted and unworthy. I constantly wonder if you’re seeing someone else and wish that you would just leave me and set me free so you can be happy. Every day is a battle to wake up, go to work, come home, listen to you talk about you, make your food (if I have the energy), go to sleep, and then do it all again the next day. I feel like I am existing but not living. If I can’t please my husband and I have no one to take care of why am I here? A wasted space to answer phone calls at work and fold laundry at home. I have no literal purpose or meaning to life anymore.

I have a broken soul and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel pressured by everyone around me to pick up my bootstraps and keep going. This morning was the first day I contemplated not going at all or ever again. That just made me even sadder because I know I never will. I feel suicidal but so scared to let everyone down. I don’t even have enough confidence in myself to stop the hurt and sadness. Leaving behind my puppers is the only thing keeping me here. I wish it were more than that, but I would just be lying to myself again or to anyone I told saying they were the reason. Even in my letter that you will never read I am sad that I am letting you down because you aren’t enough to keep me here anymore. We’re so disconnected that I know you would be sad, but you’d be okay. Once you realized you don’t have to deal with my pain anymore and every day doesn’t have grey skies.

I called and made an appointment to talk to someone in hopes that I can get better. I can’t do this on my own and giving up isn’t an option because I am too much of a coward. I don’t want to ruin your happiness so tonight when I go home, I will put on a smiling face and prepare for what should be another uneventful night in the shop or in front of the TV. I will then wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

It’s our five-year anniversary in two days and it will feel no different than it did on Monday. We will exchange some smiles, maybe a kiss or a hug. Then we will go to a junkyard to get you another project car because that is our life. I have no friends and my family is garbage. So, I have you. I love you and I am grateful for you, but I just have you. I have you with your expectations that you can fix me like a project. Like a problem at work. If you put enough time and effort into my problems, things must turn around. That’s what you do, that’s what you say. What I hear is hurry up, this isn’t fun, can you get over it already. There is always a connection back to you and making it about you.

I assume this is because of how you were raised and if narcissism is in your blood, it’s showing. I broke down last night and you got mad at me because I didn’t want to share. You were upset I wanted time alone. I locked you out and somehow I woke up feeling guilty about being sad. I felt so guilty I figured, what the hell, let’s just make all this stop. Then I thought of little pants on my lap telling me things would be okay. I thought of what the mess it would make and how that’s not fair to you. So, I just cried. I cried because I should have known better about the jack. I cried because you are increasingly mean to me. I cried because even though you say you love me, no one could ever tell or know it by looking at us. You stopped showing me love months ago.

Today at lunch, you action itemized my steps to getting better. I know this is how you handle things, but they don’t help, they only make things worse, and I want to hide in my hole even further. I don’t know when you started controlling my healing process, but it doesn’t really matter because I won’t say anything, I will just retreat even further and hide in a hole. I am so tired today that I am almost falling asleep writing this but if I close my eyes all I ever see are little booties and an empty tire swing. When I close my eyes, I see what could have been, maybe what should have been, but never will be. I see a life that I will never have. I see all the reasons that make me sad but also relieved. I am old enough now that I don’t want kids, but not having kids is why I have a broken heart. I am lost, confused, and broken. I don’t know how to fix it, so I just cry. I cry until I have no more tears and my heart just is sad. I cry until my tears run out and I can look normal enough to do what I need to do. I cry until my head hurts and I get distracted from my pain. I just cry all the time. I don’t know how to stop it, I know it’s my fault, I can’t fix this. I will die alone and sad. That is my fate, with you by my side or not. I will be forever alone in my heart and broken soul.

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GOODBYE, MY HEART IS BROKEN

AUGUST 13, 2020

I’m sitting on a boat pretending to be happy. I should be having the time of my life. Our friends are getting married at the end of the week. I’m in the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen and I’m sitting on a boat in the middle of a lake surrounded by amazing people. Yet I’m not happy. I’m just sad and heartbroken. I’m hiding tears behind my sunglasses hoping no one knows my pain. I’m more alone in this than I’ve ever been in anything else in my life.

I’m sorry my body failed you. I’m sorry we’ll never meet. I’m sorry you are gone. You were my last little bit of hope. I’m actively going through the process of miscarriage; yup on this boat I’m trying to be happy on. It is the worst pain I’ve been through. The funny thing is you were never even there. Our appointment was a disaster. I’ve been pregnant without a baby growing this entire time. You’re not inside me. You’ve never existed. It’s called a blighted ovum. My body makes room for you, a little home for you to grow and develop, but you never showed up. Maybe my heart should be mad instead of sad. I’m mean you kind of stood me up. As hard as I try I can never be mad. My heart just hurts. I made it exactly three months with the hope of you. I even bought an outfit for you to come home in. I think I’ll donate everything to the midwifery I was going to. You were going to be our greatest adventure but instead, we’ll trudge thru life.

I’ll miss what I had planned for you and what we were going to teach you. I’ll miss the dreams of ever being called mama. I’ll miss the little pitter-patter of feet across the floor at Christmas time. Thank you for giving me the best three months of ignorance I’ve ever had. I will always love what you were going to be and the joy you brought to me. Goodbye baby, my heart is broken.

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ONE DAY AT A TIME

July 29, 2020

One day at a time little baby. Our appointment is next week! I can’t believe we have made it this far. You’re holding on strong. I ordered you a going-home outfit. I got it yesterday and it is super cute! I told you we are doing an adventure theme. I also am going to have one of our friends paint a mural on your wall. I was thinking I could do triangle mountains but then my friend is an artist and she said no way, you deserved better. My tiredness has subsided a bit. I am tired but no longer exhausted like before. I have started getting hungrier though. I snack all the time and am never really full. I do love carbs and you still don’t want me eating red meat.

We get to go on an adventure soon. Our artist friend is getting married! We are headed up north for a week and I couldn’t be more excited. We are leaving the pups at home. Most of the time they go with us everywhere with us but with it being a wedding we didn’t want chaos that animals can cause. We want to be able to get out and explore and experience everything and traveling with 4 pups makes it a little tough. Two of them are really easy, and then two of them like to wander so it makes it a bit harder. We are going to go see old mines and abandoned towns. One day you will be outside my belly when we all go. You’ll experience everything with us.

I have started sleeping on my side finally. I got one of those pregnancy pillows and it has helped a ton. I feel super cocooned in it. The dogs have been better with not being on the bed. I even ordered them a new bed so they all get to pick out a new one for themselves. I care probably way more than the dogs do but when they have been your fur babies for as long as they have been mine you treat them a little differently. They were my babies before you. They always will be. Sure their role is changing and they will adapt once you get here. They will protect you once get here, we just have to make sure that they aren’t too protective. I can’t wait for you to meet your whole family.

I have started picking out names for you. I am assuming you are a little boy at this point due to family history on your papa’s side so I have only looked at boy names. He said he didn’t want to find out early but I might want to. I am unsure right now. I guess it will depend on how all the other tests go. We will be doing the genetics test for you to make sure everything is developing correctly. So far I have come up with Owen, Douglas, Declan, Amias, Idris, and Rylan. The middle names are where I stall. Your papa said I get to name you but I will still run names by him to make sure he doesn’t hate it. Until next week little one!!

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SIMPLE THINGS

July 16, 2020

Hi baby. Are you still there? I have almost no symptoms now, just the tiredness and the food aversions. I guess I am a little more irritable and snapping at your papa. He doesn’t mean any ill will with the things he doesn’t do. If you become a boy you’ll probably just be just as oblivious. I hate to use the cliché that it’s just a boy thing, but it really is. Well, every boy I have ever been around has been the same way. The simple things don’t bother them and I think it’s because they don’t even notice them.

I haven’t cleaned out your room yet. I am still too tired when I get home from work. I need to get to it soon though because I need to start painting it. It’s not a bad color but it’s boring. It’s like a cream color. I’m not really sure. The whole house is that way. I keep saying I am going to paint and fix it but I haven’t gotten around to anything. Your papa and I remodeled our last house from the bathrooms to the kitchen, even the laundry room. It was such a big task that now he and I have a silent vow to not remodel this house even though it could certainly use it. Just some updates.

Oh, I did get a family heirloom for your room. It’s a bookcase. It has a stain on it from when your grammy left an old railroad piece on it. Your great-granddad used to work on the railroad. In fact, your granddad (my dad) used to as well. I don’t know that you will ever know him. He and I just reconnected only a few years ago and I talk to him every once in a while. We aren’t super close but we will stay in touch. Your grammy though will be over all the time. You will be her 35th grandbaby or something like that. I can’t keep track of them all.

Your new cousin was just born. He will be your best friend. He is my brother’s baby. It will probably be the only kid around your age you’ll grow up with. All my other brothers and sister have older kids. I think I told you that some of them have kids before I even had you. That’s kind of weird, but it’s how life works out. You probably won’t know them either. I tend to keep pretty isolated from my family. They are too big and too much drama for me sometimes. I try and just do Thanksgiving and Christmas reunions. Not really reunions, we all live within an hour from each other. You’ll know your uncle Sam and Clif though. We are pretty close. We are pretty self-absorbed in our lives and we each understand that so it doesn’t bother us. You’ll probably never know your aunt. Her lifestyle doesn’t mesh with mine and we are really distant.

Only 21 more days until our appointment to hopefully see you on screen. Maybe then your papa will understand I am pregnant and help a little more. I have been thinking about value-added relationships in your life and how important it is to keep the right relationships. Your papa and I talked a little bit about them yesterday but something tells me the conversations aren’t over. One day when you are a grown adult you will need to make sure you are a value-added partner. Not a one-sided only interested in what involves you, type of partner. I do hope you get my bull-headed and stubbornness. It’s important to have a voice and I really hope yours is clear and loud in the things you want and the things you need. I love you. I am guessing only 29 more weeks until you get here!

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LITTLE BLUEBERRY

July 7, 2020

Hi. You’re apparently the size of a blueberry right now. Which is kind of funny because that’s what I had for lunch today. I’m having a hard time wanting food. I don’t have the typical morning sickness but I am having food aversions. Today was a cheese and fruit cup and the cheese made me a little nauseous. Steak and other proteins are doing this as well. Apparently, it’s a protein aversion. Other than that I’m doing pretty good. I skipped the decaf coffee today and didn’t crash as hard. I think I was more sugar crashing than anything else. I’m still amazed at how tired I am but doing pretty well. I’m thankful every day I don’t have to rush to the toilet to vomit.

I started a baby registry today. I’ve added burp rags, diapers, a high chair, and some natural wood toys. There are so many things people say you need but you probably really don’t. I did find the most awesome high chair for when we go camping. I was most excited to see what I could find for our adventures. We’ll be home plenty but my heart lies outside. I hope you take after your papa and me, and really love the outdoors. It’s such a magical and calming place. No chaos, people you don’t want around, and the best parts don’t have service where you can connect to the rest of the world. I like being isolated. We have an emergency phone. I always recommend taking one. It only takes one little accident to change your whole life.

I also now have to learn how to sleep on my side. I used to be a side sleeper but after I broke my ankle I somehow learned to sleep on my stomach. The left side is the best position for you to get the best nutrients and blood flow. I’m also working on getting the animals off the bed. It’s the hardest job I have right now. They’ve been on the bed since we’ve gotten each one. I am sure there will be two hold outs but we have time to sort all that out by the time you get here. Next week you’ll be a raspberry. You’re growing big and strong. Just keep it up little one.

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I AM TIRED

June 30, 2020

Oh man, I am so tired. Every minute or so I yawn, not just a cute simple yawn, but a huge I need more oxygen yawn. This is pretty normal, at least that’s what everyone has said. Yup. I started telling people you’re coming. All of my chosen family knows, they will love you so so so much! Only your Uncle, Aunt, and now Grammy know. She started crying when I told her. She is super religious so then she prayed for me. Your mama and papa are not, so you won’t be raised in a religious household but if you choose faith later in life you will have a lot of people around you to reach out to.

Nothing exciting has happened over the last few days. This is the best news that I could give you. I have been trying to sleep as much as I can. I get home and try and nap but most of the time that doesn’t happen. Dinner and family come first. I did talk to your papa and I think I will start going to bed earlier. There is so much I need to get done. I need to pack up your nursery - I got the totes; I just need to do it now. I need to paint and start decorating. I made your typography prints for your room. I just need to print them out, frame them, and hang them. I am working on a blanket for you but the yarn I got made me super upset with how unworkable (well in my opinion) so I have to return that and get a better kind.

I guess there is a small bit of news with my tummy. I still have cramps but maybe it’s gas pain. It wakes me up around 4 every morning and then throughout the day. The only position that relieves the cramps is laying on my back. I am a side/stomach sleeper so this causes more sleep problems. These are simple things to deal with though. Your fur sister keeps me up most nights anyways. She is old and very needy. I think over the course of a month I get about 5 days of restless sleep in the past. Knowing that you are growing strong in there is comforting to my sleepless pain.

Your papa didn’t get that job he was hoping for so we have to tighten our belts a little. I was looking at a new car to keep you safe in, so we will have to wait on that. It’s okay though. Simplicity is key and your papa and I do well for ourselves so maybe it is time we reconnect to the simple things and do without for a while. Getting back to the basics is never a bad thing. I am trying to choose natural and eco-friendly items for you. We had wood rattles that my granddad made for us and I want to get you a set. I wish he was alive for you to meet but he passed 30 years ago. I was only five so it was never a possibility. You’ll only have one set of grandparents though. Your papa’s parents are a bit crazy and mean so we don’t talk to them. They don’t like the color of your mama’s skin. Since we live across the country it’s no big deal. This way you won’t be taught intolerance.

I love you and I can’t wait for our appointment. Only one more month and I can hear your heartbeat. These days will go by slow but so fast at the same time. I am trying to cherish each moment. I just have to stay awake for them.

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I’M MAKING DECISIONS

June 25, 2020

I’ve made some awesome decisions today and I feel really good about them. I have decided to drop the hospital birth and we will be at a birth center. Last year my friend ask me to take some pics at his wife’s birth and she was at this birth center. It was so warm and welcoming, not clinical. So I have decided to go to the same place. I remembered it today and decided to take a dive and call. The biggest thing that I liked right away was how welcoming Tracy was. This was my phone call. “Hi, I’m having a baby and I don’t know where to start”. Oh man, she could hear my uncertainty right away. She asked me a little bit about my background and I let her know about the other pregnancies. Immediately she reassured me that everything is going to be okay and answered all my silly questions. Let me know that my hyper-awareness is normal and to just try and relax. She gave me some advice to help my tummy relax and let me know that I can pee as many times as I want.

I made some baby shoes last night but I think I will give them to your Grammy to announce we are pregnant. They are a little lopsided. I’m still trying to get the hang of crocheting something other than a winter hat. I want to start on a blanket for you. Looks like you will be here in February if all of the calculations are correct. So you can wear all the super cute winter hats and mittens. I got my ultrasound scheduled though! We are headed to the birth center on the 6th of August. It’s far away and leaves me a lot of weeks of worry but Tracy said I can call 24/7 with any questions no matter how simple they are. She let me know what to look out for as far as you are letting go. But I know this time you are going to stay with me. I even made some decisions on your diapers! I am going with Pocket Diapers. They are cloth diapers with inserts. They allow for the diaper to dry faster and the inserts can be dried in the dryer. They are cheaper than the All In Ones, but not as cheap as the pre-folds or just regular cloth diapers. I even found an all-natural disposable company. They are compostable and contain no chemicals. I will probably use them when we travel. It’s just nice to know we have options now.

Did you know there is a difference in folic acid and folate? I didn’t until I talked to Tracy. She let me know 60% (I think that was the number) don’t absorb folic acid so folate is better for baby. I had to order new prenatal vitamins. I also learned that you are approximately the size of an orange seed. We don’t know for sure, I am going in at 10 weeks. We opted not to go in at 6 weeks and do a vaginal ultrasound because it is more invasive. Tracy let me know I can change my mind at any time if I wanted to come in earlier. I felt immediately relaxed after I got off the phone with Tracy. I should be able to “meet” my midwife soon. They even offered home birth, but you have too many fur sisters to be born at home. They would cause your papa too much stress. This next week I am going to clean out my craft room and turn that into your nursery. We just moved last year and we had a four-bedroom home but downgraded to a three-bedroom home on an acre outside of the city. It was a great decision but I would love that extra bedroom about now. Your papa said he would build me a shed that I can turn into a craft room here in the next few weeks, He stays pretty busy so I don’t want to demand too much from him. I want to get a rug going, but I have to determine what is the best one for that.

I downloaded a countdown app to help me actualize appointments and time frames. I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat and feel reassured you’re growing in there. I have the plan to build you a sidecar crib. It allows us to co-sleep without the risk of me rolling over onto you. You’ll be in the bedroom with me until you can sleep through the night and no longer need to breastfeed every few hours. I think it will be a good compromise. I know your papa doesn’t want you in the bed, but he doesn’t get to feed you. I am super sleepy all the time now, but I also can’t sleep through the night. I am up about 3 times a night. Not to just pee but because I get restless I guess. There was an earthquake last night, maybe that was why I woke up. It is more than likely because I am off my medication. I have a very hard time sleeping, which is why I was on Trazadone. It’s worth it though. You are worth it. One day at a time. We can do this.

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YOU’RE OUR GREATEST ADVENTURE

June 23, 2020

Today I’m settled into the idea of you. I did a massive amount of research on what’s going on with the new feelings in my tummy. From what I’ve concluded is you are making yourself at home and my uterus is stretching to make room for you. I’ve tried to be pretty in tune without obsessing, okay who am I trying to lie to here. I’m obsessed with every change I feel in my body. The others didn’t feel the way you do right now. I’m resolving to let you become a permanent thing.

I woke up in a panic last night because I thought I felt something wet. I figured it was blood. It was nothing but I did have to pee for the umpteenth time. While I was in there I decided to take another test to confirm you’re still growing. It’s still positive! I got a call from my doctor and he told me I need to stop taking my medication, trazodone, so you can grow strong and healthy. I only took half the medication last night so tonight I won’t have any. I probably won’t sleep at all anymore but it’ll be worth it and from my assumption a little training for when you get here.

I played a little on the internet today, only like 6 hours or so, and decided that I’m going to go with the “You’re Our Greatest Adventure” theme. Your papa and I love to adventure and can’t wait to take you everywhere we go. I’m going to put a mountain mural on the wall. I’m trying to keep it pretty gender-neutral. I’m not sure I want to find out if you’ll be a boy or a girl. To be honest I’ll be surprised if you’re a girl. If the daddy’s decide gender you’ve got a very good chance of being a boy. I’m honestly not picky but would love to give your papa a sidekick in the shop. Someone he can teach everything to. Your brother has no interest and I know it makes him a little sad. He’s a technology boy and has great aspirations to do something with that as he gets older. He’s so smart. You’ll be too.

I told your uncle and your aunt yesterday. They were super excited. They are having a baby in July this year so you guys can be best friends. You have a ton of cousins but unfortunately, your mommy couldn’t keep babies in her belly so they will all be much older than you. Some of them even have their own kids. It was crazy watching my nieces have babies before me. Although I wouldn’t change this for the world. I’m not saying anything against them at all but I think some people take their babies for granted. It’s easy for them to make kids. When you struggle like your papa and I did, babies are loved more. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just something I feel. I’ll be super biased though, all mamas are.

I. Am. Smelling. Everything! As I was writing this today I could smell the dog food area and it smelled like a dog mouth so I had to stop and clean everything. I’m more restless because I have to fix things I can smell. I tore down the master bedroom last night because I could smell the sheets. I had just changed them too. It’ll be a very long nine months if my smell is this way the entire time. I’m not feeling sick at all though, so that’s super awesome. I talked to your auntie, the one that’s also pregnant, and she never got morning sickness. We’re not related, she’s my brother’s wife, so I can’t really base a family history off her. It is nice to run things by her though, like why my boobs hurt. This will be her second. As a matter of fact. She has a little boy from a previous relationship and her babies will be the same age difference as you and your brother. Kind of funny how that worked out.

I’m really looking forward to my ultrasound. It will solidify everything and I can breathe and relax a little. My OB call is next week so I imagine it’ll be two more weeks before I can get an ultrasound. Until then I’ll continue to figure out the things that relate to you. My next task is your diapers. I cried a little trying to do that today so I switched to your nursery. Maybe I won’t feel overwhelmed tomorrow and I can do a little bit more. I’m trying to be super practical. Not something I normally am. I want you to have everything within reason. No need to raise a spoiled little one. Your papa was in the military so we’re pretty structured. I’m sure he and I will have many disagreements over what you can and can’t get away with. Just give him a little smile and hug and you’ll be able to get away with the world.

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I AM AFRAID OF YOU

Jun 22, 2020

Thousands of women have seen these two lines, in fact, it is not even my first time. The only difference is this is the first time for you. I am afraid of you though. Not because I fear you, scared of how you will turn out, or even change my life. I am afraid to lose you. Several times before, your dad and I have felt the loss of a baby. You though - you will be special. You will stay with us. I think you are about four weeks. Almost too soon to even know we made you. I have an appointment in a few weeks and then I will know exactly how old you are.

I want to document all of my thoughts, feelings, milestones, appointments, and plans. Some feelings are sad, most are happy, there will probably be few feelings of guilt. They start with fear. As I said I am afraid of you. I am so hopeful but afraid to have another broken heart. If you are four weeks old, you have about two more weeks before my broken heart will relax. It is my normal track record. Nothing wants to stick past six weeks. I am afraid to tell anyone and even your dad doesn’t want to talk about it yet. You see he is nervous. You have an older brother, but he is only a half-brother. Starting over so many years later is a bit daunting for him. Don’t worry, he is going to love you so much. Everyone is going to love you. Your dad has gone through the pains with me and his heart is a little broken as well. We have been trying for four years and have lost six pregnancies. He is probably afraid of you right now as well. Afraid to watch me cry again, afraid to feel the loss, and afraid that you’ll never come. He will relax when I relax, but just not now. I am trying to bear all this alone, it hurts me more to watch his pain and him be strong for me. Until I know you are here to stay, we avoid talking about you.

I called today and finally told my doctor, so the ball is rolling in your favor. I am expecting you. I want to expect you, I can not wait to hold you. I go to the bathroom a lot right now. Not really because I must go to the bathroom but because I constantly watch for blood. I am half expecting to see some, at the same time, I am hoping I never do. Your dad hugged me today a little hard and I freaked out and ran to the bathroom every 10 minutes for the next hour. Every cramp or muscle ache has my heart rate spike and my stomach drop. I constantly feel little cramps, but I think that is you just making yourself welcome as you grow. I will continue to go to the bathroom every half hour. I feel different changes inside my tummy that I haven’t felt with the others. I know I need to stay positive for you, it is just hard right now. Give me 12 weeks and I will relax and celebrate. I love you already and talk to you quietly when we are alone. I am calling you Peggi or the Pea. That is a story I can get into a little later once I know you’ll be around to hear it. Until then, I will remain afraid of you.