An Open Letter To My Teenage Stepson
Nathan,
First, I want you to know that I respect that you are older and more mature now and so I am going to cut to the chase and I'm not going to sugarcoat the things I want to say in this letter.
I’m going to talk to
you as I would any other adult.
You and I have an odd but pretty good relationship. I've always given you the
room to make this relationship what you want it to be. I think it is important
for you to understand exactly where I stand. Where I stand is cemented in my
core beliefs and core beliefs don’t change. Core beliefs are ingrained into my
soul.
I am hopeful that understanding my core beliefs will help our relationship as
we move forward.
Know that I will always love you even if you are mad at me. I don't want you
pissed off and hating me forever, but I also won't change my mind.
I want you to read this, absorb it and then take this letter with you and read
it over with your mom. It’s nice to have input and a different perspective but
remember I have core beliefs, your dad has core beliefs, your mom has core
beliefs, and so do you. Those all contribute to the big things that are
happening over here.
I am of the firm stance there are only two (2) genders, male or female. There
can be 'mutations' such as hermaphrodites etc. but you get my point. More importantly,
I am also of the firm stance gender doesn’t define identity.
By that, I mean if you
act a certain way it doesn't define if you are a boy or girl. If you want to
act more as what we define as 'masculine' or 'feminine' that's just being an
individual and has nothing to do with gender. It’s self-expression and defining
what it means to be you.
I did a lot of reading last night to understand where you are coming from. I
have compassion for what you are experiencing and going through. Regardless, I
have not changed my mind that society through social media, movies,
celebrities, news, and overall social conditioning plays a much larger role
around what it means not to have a gender and what I perceive as our
fundamental disagreement.
In our societal roles, until recently we expected men and women to behave a
certain way. The societal roles were defined to help the culture and society
survive. If someone moved outside these cultural norms, they were deemed
different, weird, or not fitting in.
If a woman acts like a man, she is considered a tomboy, if a man acts more
feminine, he’s a sissy. Who cares really? They are still who they are, not the
behaviors and roles they assume and behaviors they display.
I need you to know that I accept you as you are - Nathan born to [removed] - a wonderful and delightful person. You were born with a penis and
thus you are male. You were not born with a vagina and thus you are not female.
You were not born with the option to be nothing. As a male, you were born with
one X and one Y chromosome, the very basics of the male and female gender.
Chromosomes are what make you develop into a male or female not societal roles,
or cultural definitions.
Nature doesn't care about what we think or identify ourselves as because as a
species we fundamentally exist to reproduce. In the animal world, there must be
one female and one male to reproduce, and they both must have either male or
female genitalia (with exceptions).
If you say you don’t feel like a boy or a man; what I hear is that you don’t
feel like society's image of what a boy or man is supposed to be like. You are
still your own person but that doesn't change the fact that you are still the
same gender.
I one hundred percent support you to be your own person. You could ask 100 men
what it “feels like” to be a male and you would get one hundred different
answers. But there should be no need to compare yourself to them if you are
comfortable and confident being you. Does it really matter what it means to be
a man if you exist just as you are and you’re happy about it?
I am a woman, but I don't always behave how a woman is expected to behave according
to societal roles. I don’t conform to these ideas because I am my own person,
no matter my gender.
When I was younger, my
great aunt very firmly told me that all girls must wear dresses and no jeans or
pants. Really? Why did it matter? Understand that every human being wore a
dress at the beginning of wearing clothes, simply for the fact they were easy
to make. Wrap a towel around your waist and voila, a dress. Wearing a dress
isn’t a gender thing it is a manufacturing thing. On the open plains when they
were migrating west, it was much easier to give birth under a dress instead of
having to disrobe tight-fitting pants. Again, roles and norms are done for
societal survival. Now it doesn’t matter, society has changed and adapted.
I participate in a lot of things you would expect a woman to do, but I also do
a ton of “masculine” things as well. I love to work on cars with your dad, I
bought a tractor, I shoot guns, I love a bloody steak, I enjoy a good cigar
from time to time, I fart, I burp, and I cuss, and you know what? I don't give
a fuck what anyone else thinks about it because I am my own person, and I will
not be defined by what society thinks is feminine or masculine; moreover, who
they think I should be.
We are judged by everyone all the time but being male or female does not define
who you are. I felt it growing up. I had the pleasure of dealing with
supermodels in magazines and TV. I was overly pressured to look like them,
dress like them, eat like them. There was so much pressure growing up it caused
body dysmorphic issues later in life to a whole generation of women. We’ve all
faced these challenges in one way or another, it’s how you deal with them that
will define your character.
Presently, I have been battling with the fact I am a woman without kids. There
are expectations I have not met solely based on the fact; I am a woman. Social
expectations have a funny way of causing people to feel defective because they
aren't like the other people out there.
If I woke up tomorrow
and I was alone in the world with no memory of anything and no one around to
judge me, who would define me?
And if no one was there to judge my decisions or feelings, it would be
impossible for me to feel like I don't 'belong' to a specific gender. I would
just be me, that is it. I understand that a lot of people, including yourself,
may disagree with me, but this is my conviction.
I don't think I am some jerk whom you should continue avoiding any semblance of
a conversation. It’s been hard to watch you have such disdain towards me
because we disagree. You say we have nothing in common and right now that’s
true. It’s hard to have anything in common with someone you’ve already written
off and refuse to engage with.
I think it is interesting that you don’t want to be judged and subsequently
defined by someone’s judgment; yet you have judged my perspective, core
beliefs, and defined me accordingly.
Can’t we just accept each other?
If I asked you to call me mom, but you didn’t feel like that was something you wanted
to do, would it be acceptable for me to be mad at you, day in and day out? Wouldn’t
it be impractical for me to be mad at you until you changed your mind to fit my
perspective?
I do not ever expect you to be a specific way other than to be kind and
respectful. Be yourself and get rid of the anger and hostility in your heart
when someone doesn’t agree with you; if you can do that, no matter what paths
you take in life you’ll be okay.
I have nothing against people who don’t share my beliefs, I am not a “group of
people” hater. I don’t care if you are transgender, gay, poor, colored, skinny,
fat, ugly, a country bumpkin or hair covers your entire body.
I don’t like everyone equally. Yes, I said that right.
I like a handful of people in this world, and it takes up too much time and
space in my heart to hate people for just being themselves. I don't have a care
in the world what you do or what you define yourself as, just so long as you do
it with a smile.
I believe that people should be able to act and do whatever they like, just so
long as they are not being harmful to others. Everyone should be able to be
themselves without having other people judging them, life’s hard enough.
Conversely, we should be able to have different opinions without being attacked
or hated because of it. We need to stop trying to prove to each other that we
are right. You aren’t going to sway me with literature, talks, or peer
pressure, just the same way I will never be able to change your mind about who
you should be. What we can do is state our perspective and respect our
differences.
My vocabulary and how I address you won’t change because it’s just not
important enough to me bud, just like it’s not important enough for you to
engage in my life. I don’t say this to be callous but to provide you with transparent honesty on why I won’t adjust my vocabulary. It is what it is, and
it doesn’t have to be negative. You and I don’t owe each other anything.
Do me a favor, and the next time you are riding with someone in the car, focus
on all the flaws in the windshield such as the dirt, the bugs, the scratches, or maybe
the drops of rain. Quietly consider that when you focus on all the flaws you
can’t see beyond them to see the true beauty of your surroundings. You miss the
grass, the clouds, birds, flowers, even the mountains. Another thing to
consider is if you were the one driving (as you are in your life) focusing on
the flaws, would it indeed cause a wreck? Learn to observe, let go and look
beyond so you can see the whole picture from all perspectives. The world is a
much more beautiful place when you stop trying to control other people’s
thoughts and actions.
No matter how you decide to move forward with my letter, know that I will
always love you and, you – whoever you are, will always be our little pajama
man.
All that being said…
I made declarations for my mental health so we will be seeing some changes
around the house effective immediately. There are five very distinct reasons
that I need to take this step back.
- I have often been angry and
resentful about the way you treat me. It seems that even my sincerest and
most loving intentions are met with an absence of enthusiasm at best, and
apathy or scorn at worst. It’s caused bitterness to seep into all the
places where love used to live.
- Nathan, I’m not your mom.
Never have been, never will be. It is no longer my place to have a pony in
this dog show. I will no longer take the position of someone who needs to
look over your every move to make sure you are doing it correctly.
- I find myself running myself on fumes
trying to fit a role where I am not needed or wanted. These were my own
ideas of what I was hoping I could have for my life. Reality has hit and
it’s time for me to step back from a fantasy lost.
- I spend more time trying to be a
fill-in-the-blank mom than being a wife to my husband. Ultimately my
relationship with your father is the most important one I have in this
household. It’s the one relationship I will have left long after you’ve
grown up and moved out. It’s imperative I prioritize this. He is the
entire reason I even know you.
- I have allowed you to affect my
self-esteem for far too long. You broke my heart when you didn’t have a
care in the world it was my birthday or bother to tell me you missed me
once the entire month I was gone. You, unfortunately, continue to solidify
your disinterest in this relationship each day when I barely get a hello
out of you, or for you to only ask me when dinner is going to be done.
I am not disengaging
lightly, and this is not a shoot from the hip decision. This is a planned and
well-thought-out decision I am making to restore harmony and happiness in my
own personal life. You have two wonderful parents. I am not needed; I think we
can both find the beauty in that statement.
The current way our household runs is holidays happen, schedules are kept,
groceries appear in the refrigerator and meals on the table, bills are paid,
and life just clicks along—with no apparent effort at all from the men of the
house. Going forward these are some of the changes you will see. This may be
hard for you and your dad to navigate, but it will no longer be a concern of
mine.
I will be devesting my time and interest in things that don’t directly involve
me.
I no longer find it necessary to invest my time in hygiene, schoolwork, pissy
attitudes, responsibilities, privileges, and activities you don’t directly tell
me about. I will not attend any school functions you did not specifically ask
me to attend that I do not feel like attending, I will not provide rides,
assistance in getting clothing, medicine, or food.
I will no longer cook purely out of obligation. Gone are the days where I
stretch myself thin getting a home-cooked meal on the table that is
unappreciated or even acknowledged with a thank you.
Your dad will be providing you with your meals, but he may not always want to cook,
so you might find yourself having to figure things out on your own. I will not
be planning family vacations or birthday outings. I won’t feel obligated to buy
you Christmas or Birthday presents. These things will come naturally because I
want to and because, you and I together, have improved our relationship.
That doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want and continue to treat me like
a piece of trash. This is my house, and you are a guest in it. There are
expectations to you living here. You will have chores to do every Saturday
morning you are in my home. These are non-negotiable and will be done first
thing after breakfast before you will be allowed to do anything else.
Each Saturday you will clean your bathroom, pick up the kitchen, and sweep the
floors, when that is done, I will expect your room to be cleaned and kept up.
These are a requirement of living in my house. Every person in this house will
participate in keeping up with the housework. There will be no more free rides
for you. I may not have a say in how you are raised but I will have a say in
how you respect me, contribute, and conduct yourself in my home.
If you can’t find your respect for me as an adult and fix your sour attitude, I
will politely ask your mother to take you until you are ready to return to my
home. There is absolutely no need for you to be here if you are just here out
of obligation and treat us with disrespect the entire time.
I will always be here for you to make sure you are safe and if you ever need
me, but I am taking a huge step back for now, because I can, and I need to. I
wish you the best of luck going forward. Your life will be what you make of it.
- xoxo
me
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