It All Seemed Insincere

The letter will never be read. You took care of it for me, that way you could avoid any conflict. My voice and opinion are muffled by your regurgitated words. Whatever. It’s really not my battle and he could give a fuck if I’m in his life.

 

Let’s talk about you coming home without the correct shirt on…

I wish you would have just held me in a strong loving embrace instead of overly explaining yourself. It all seemed insincere but just ambiguous enough that I had to accept the answers. I know you, and you panicked out of fear of loss and not fear of exposure. That being said, perhaps the over-explanation is the honest explanation. Regardless, holding me tight against you would have been all the words I needed to hear. Your over-panicked explanations have me battling into the next day. I am a fucking mess over here. We hugged twice after I asked you because you had to process your emotions. I've only asked you twice and both times I haven't walked away from our conversation like I was wrong. I walk away in defeated exhaustion and start self-blaming. 

We used to talk a lot, like a lot. Like true best friend status, now I’m just wife status. What can I get you to eat, need laundry done, how about someone to entertain you until you can get to work the next day? What can I do to help you have your best life? It is my purpose. I just didn't know it would be so self-sacrificing. I watch you every night engage with your phone friends. I ask you questions but I get abbreviated versions of your life that you share with other people. You send them funny things, tell them your thoughts, check-in and ask them questions to engage. I get “I love you”, “what do you want to eat”, and “what do you want to dos”. We’re just waiting for the next day. My lift is spent waiting for the next thing...

I hate this. When did you set me to the side? It had to be the baby; I’ve let go, but every day I watch you smile with more forced effort than the last. My heart is killing me. My stomach wants to escape my body and my head is trying its hardest to keep everything from self-destruction.

Did I isolate myself so much that I only have you to rely on? Am I obsessed with everything thing about you because I have nothing else to focus on? I just want to cry these feelings away but no matter how many tears I shed; the feeling never leaves. Who or what is it because I am unable to understand where you went or why I’m no longer your everything?

I want to isolate myself so much more now. I want to go back to the desert with Toats and just be. I had no worries when there was no one around to make me feel.

Am I trying to push you away? Maybe my constant dreams of living and dying alone are trying to fabricate themselves into reality. I wasn’t prepared to deal with the profound feelings of loneliness so far into the future, but I am feeling them now. Knowing you will die alone without anyone by your side has been hard to deal with. A funeral for one. I let go of the idea of having a family but that brought up so many more emotions that I wasn’t ready for or know how to deal with them. They aren’t currently relevant, or maybe they are. 

Most days I just feel guilty for feeling anything. Where did all my guilt come from? I hate my feelings. My head, heart, and stomach need to fucking realign themselves. 

But they can't, because I don't get a real opinion. They are explained away or rationalized into me being crazy. If I just gave up would it be easier? At least I would get to avoid all this conflict.