7/19

7/19 - always the date I write, not when I post. 

What am I learning from the Bern? I enjoy his company and conversation too much. Not sexually, but I know that's where my soul goes for connection. What is it about him?


I'm connecting to driving. Control with guidance...

I want to describe the thoughts that went through my head and you'll have to remember these later because right now you're driving my thoughts and connectivity to drop my connection with driving and how that connects to my life. Mom has been talking about letting go of her wheel and letting God do the driving, I am not at that level of enlightenment however I am on the path of trusting the guidance laid out before me as I've asked for the path of where I want to go.

In other words I see things more of letting go of how to get there because I've already set my goal of where I want to go to. So I have to trust now that the path laid out in front of me to get to where I want to go is the right and correct path. If I try to deviate from the path of my navigation system, every time it takes longer I run into unexpected circumstances I end up having to turn around and just go back anyways. Whereas if I would have just stuck to the guided navigation laid out before me to the destination I wanted to go anyways there may have been some roadblocks, there may be even have been some construction. But I've learned it's still the faster way to go if I stop trying to avoid the obstacles and go around them then deal with them and go through them. This is my relation to driving in my life and the lessons I have to learn every time I'm driving the lessons I am learning in retrospect of what lesson is in everything something happens for a reason so maybe I'm quicker now to figure out what that lesson is or forecast with that lesson is as is happening so I can learn and expand and become a more enlightened me, in layman's and in the most simplest terms a more and complete happy me. I have to go to the post office now. This has been a wonderful lunch I've enjoyed the time to think. I want to expand on this when I get back but also I want to give time not to think and just enjoy the day so I'm going to try and take a break until probably tonight after my breathing class. I've learned this text to speech is fantastic for really just kind of letting me think out loud I do think deeper inside than outside so that's something I'm going to need to work on letting my inner self become my outer self.

Oh also, I took a screenshot of a song that resonated and invoked all of this because it talks about hiding in your car or in places that can't be found I related it to Jason and maybe his feelings and that's what started this the next song after it also keeps repeating so I need to pay attention to that as well because it also resonates with me it's a screenshot make sure you write this down when you get back to work before you take time off from thinking.

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I know, the screenshots but hold on... they will have to come tonight, I forgot my work computer twice and I am tired of signing in everywhere!

More driving. There is no where more peaceful and alone if I want it. It's also chaotic and fun and crazy. It's a time of freedom of judgement because everyone around you is going to fast or caught up in their own lane. It's important to get out of the way for those faster than you, it takes but a second to move over and it's probably time you either slowed down or speed up. Your holding someone else back is a reflection of your own stagnation or stubbornness to change.

You can tell a lot about someone on how they drive. The evolution of change can also be noticed over time. I used to be a cautious driver, now I bounce between chaos and slower reflection based on emotion. 

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I just realized I have both mediums right at my fingertips that allows my inner thoughts to come out more often. I can journal with type here when the keyboard is best suited. Mostly when I do a thoughtful reflection on what I felt emotionally typed on my phone. 

From here I will keep using dividers. Let's decide now while I test the two easiest to use. 

I can use Emojis. What options do we have? 💭🧠🌑🌞📱⌨🏢🏡🚗🚀🚁.

------------------------------------ < This is a transition

🧠 - Composed thoughts. There is always a chance I'll mix in a more postured introspection if I'm typing. 

💭 - Vulnerable thoughts. 

🌑 - Nighttime.

🌞 - Daytime.

📱 - When I am on my phone.

⌨ - When I am typing on a keyboard.

🏢 - When I am at work. 

🏡 - When I am at home.

🚗 - When I am in my car or traveling - if I get good at this(?) I will match an emoji to the location.

🚀 - When I am fully introspective and have the freedom to keep going into...

🚁 - When I am slightly introspective but not free to take off and need to hover close. 

These are the easiest. So I will try to make it like this. 

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🧠🌞⌨🏢 - Composed thought, During the day, typing on a keyboard, at work. (*you get this part once). 

Okay so now that I took a break to organize some chaos and freedom that I found, I have lost what I was going to say. The Bern did stop by to say good bye. He is going to the pool to relax and then Monday he is going fishing. I picked up so fast the transition from elated joy to a more serious tone the moment he was telling me his plans. I asked him, just to confirm my suspicion the two did not hold the same place of importance to him, that one balanced the other. I will be sure to read people's faces more. Maybe he was put here to teach me to look people back in the eyes. Kind faces are easy to look at but also an opportunity so often missed by me because I am so busy looking down. 

I do it often, look down. Gerrit Simpson and I just had a pleasant conversation about weekend plans and kids being such a sunny part of this world. His daughter 21, my neighbor's daughter 6. Birthdays so close together. I am predicting a lot of laughs for me, and I hope for him. 

But I looked down, a lot, at moments of change or perhaps uncomfortableness. He asked if I had kids... I looked down. Immediately. He read my emotion like a freight train, but also recovered like a race car driver! Lucky he says. I try to give my normal nah, it's a blessing now, but he kept cutting me off, not to be rude but to what? That part of me is not important and I don't need to correct assumptions. He assumes I am lucky - why can't I be? That opened up the rest of the conversation about the weekend and the sunshine prevailed over the cloud of my past life. 

My child cloud is not dark by any means anymore but it still shadows my sunshine and always will. But I welcome any cloud to pop in an say hi at any time now, I now know they just can't stay there to block my sunshine forever. 

Do I have Mercury in me? I feel like I fly so close to the sun. Pluto are my clouds, sometime blocking me from the Sun. Do I work to remove all clouds and let them go, the ultimate path being Full sunny days or am I more on the path that my Skies are okay to have clouds in them. They help me from getting burnt and drive me inside when needed. I have learned already that clouds are so beautiful and have connected me to realities and perceptions, dreams and responsibilities. Now they are teaching me that even it they are always marshmallow clouds, if they are blocking your sun, you're never covered in it's transformative rays. How much sunshine do I want to invite into my life, how many clouds do I want in my sky?

Wow that was deep, my watch pulled me from my thoughts. It's 1:45 on a Friday and I know that I have my class tonight, I am a little antsy. If I am too early I plan on going to that coffee shop I went to before!! 

Is schizophrenia the inability to connect and control all the "chaos, planets, spirits, paths" inside of you?

I just googled schizophrenia into gaslighting my own thoughts. It runs in the family, so I was curious. Could this be what all this is? Cool, because I think without the dark shadows only the night causes looming over you all the time, there could be an untapped potential we haven't recognized in people yet. Society calls is a disorder, maybe it's just lost enlightenment to the chosen. Not everyone is introspective and not everyone has potential to be, but do people with schizophrenia have an innate and carnal ability to connect to their mind if they could control their thoughts and start down a path of enlightenment?