Fenix - In Raw Form

I told myself I need to spin this up, so here I go. My transition and final chapter to the archive of me. The last and final transitive me.

Here are my notes, raw and unedited. How they come out of my mind. Chaos in an orderly fashion. Now I feel like I have been preparing for this time for about 40 year now. HAHA. I will learn to absorb even my own mind and reflect, then allow myself to find lessons and guidance. Call it my intuitive awakening. 

If I never get to the point of interpretation, at least it will be archived here.

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7/17-

I've put it together, my intuition tells me so.

IdaHOME was predicting OklaHOMEa as my final Phoenix.

Transformed in the desert at 35, final birth in Oklahoma

I can identity every pivitol age laid before me

There's more truth in the text itself that i would like to admit however introspection in all three provide an abundance of clarity.

I have leaned into intuition but cautious to over excited.

I can imagine vivid depictions of my life, a life, or someone's life based off the randome songs that come on suffle. Some of these songs that play in a "random" pattern create such a personal picture it throws me too far into self reflections and what I'm supposed to be paying attention to.

I don't believe in astrology as an aspect that itself knows your life and is the end all be all. I crave theology and philosophical positions based on the series of connections I can make and use for expansion of one's self all while having expectations it's for personal gain or something more ploted or sinister. However we grow in darkness as much as we do the lightness. Having a peek at both sides allowed me a permanent and resonating decision on how important is lightness, growth, and happiness vs stability, shadows, and compromise. This is based of a greater understanding of who I after multiple reflections into these three fundings combined. I'm look for answers and i don't pretend to have found that answer, only a path in how to achieve that answer as well as a playback of what got me here and how too achieve the next. Whatever that may be.

I've finally let him go. He'll change but never enough, that will be my finally emergence as a new me is when I confirm boundaries and he finally accepts our fates. I've forgiven him for his lies, deceit, and mis guidance. I truly think we can grow and live together. Will it be life in a the shadows of the Pluto and Venus? Or will it be in the brightness of my final transcendce into my goldly envisioned life.

How much change can i require? Im not controlling this other than I don't want lies, deceit, or grandiose characters.

I want someone interested in the everything. Someone with forever questions but within or right above my intellectual level. Questions he found on an article, a thought, or an idea. I need mental stimulation in any fact of the sense. Its the only way I forsee my need for the next to ever be fulfilled.

I'm a chronic and addictive dreamer. I need help finding someone to support that in reality or fantasy of the intelect.

Romance not in the literal sense. This eludes me as romance to me should not lead to sex but i have a natural ability to marry the two. I need to really think what romantic proclivities I actually need.

Someone that cherishes life and guides me to do better by showing me with gentle guidance and understanding of my peculiarities. A growth mindset in all areas not one. Someone who understands that the shadows can't hide forever and enjoys a darker side.

I'm looking for someone I comfortably fall into long conversations filled with imagination and passion where sex is a byproduct not a goal.

Someone who doesn't live inside an off color mindset. Someone not so conditional or manipulative.

Someone who my soul trusts. For better or worse I can adapt to circumstances so the truth is imperative for all my remaining footsteps.


7/17 10:50pm- the owls are magical, tell me tails all night with your beautiful call to my ears.

7/18

I reflected that the clouds showed me change is inevitable and just like the images I conjure; a second glance could change perceptive reality.

You are my shadow. I've become quiet since he's been gone. Not silent if course, because of my work, but I don't say much aloud any more.

I have a breathing class tomorrow. I'm bringing a written journal, or I intend to.

The clouds taught me what blocks my sunshine and how just the same as seeing an image in a cloud shape, in a fraction of time it can change. So too can the connectors between perception and reality, to me. Seeing the image but interpretation is subjective and always open to interpretation and deeper conversations.

I don't know what my journey looks like yet ahead. It's foggy and still battling between two perceived possibilities.

Breathwork... I hope to have some clarity. I'm praying that's where my next signs are hidden.


Reflection after lunch message sent to Jason:
Aubrey 12:32 PM
Hope you're having another good day today. I'm headed to UPS and Reasors after work. If there's anything you might need, let me know, I'm happy to pick it up.

Jason 12:32 PM . SMS
I'm good, thank you

Aubrey 12:34 PM
👍

His searches are popping into my head... 
I never once said I want to separate, I have and will continue to tell you that the house is open and you're welcome any time; however you're free to take as much time away as you'd like.

You keep searching for why my wife want to separate or leave me, as a few examples; however, I reiterate that I've never one said I'm leaving. I'm on a journey and I invite you on it but you must find your own path to me.

We let go of my ultimate control of you last night. I no longer care. Neither did you apparently 😉

Cosmic timing because it would have disappeared quickly afterwards if it wasn't meant to be exposed. We both need to face this demon, it's bigger than it looks.

--reflection 7/19: that was from his tablet and not that particular night. When that is watched but I did allow my own projections to be made and I made an emotional reaction. This is a HUGE area of shadow for me. Continue below---

Yesterday I smiled at you and and said "Hey, you don't have to hate me. " I don't remember what you said back because I was focused on the soft side of my heart. I want you to be happy and healthy when you let go. I can not leave you at your lowest, but we're not meant to be. We can be, but you'll need to dig deep. Very very deep I presume.

I read the following after I booked my breathwork class. Note: I only look at astrology when called.

July 18, 2024
Steer clear of ego-driven purchases as the Sagittarius moon squares off with Saturn, dearest Scorpio, which could cause you to overindulge in the finer things. Luckily, you'll have a chance to find pleasure in spirituality and connection instead of costly goods, thanks to a supportive connection between the Cancer sun and Uranus. Lean into these vibes by embracing your unconventional side, loving freely, and opening up as a way to raise the vibration. The atmosphere continues to elevate as afternoon sets in and Luna enters a grand trine with Venus and Chiron, amplifying your work ethic and ability to reach new levels of success.

I learned about numerology today.

7,19,357 - I laugh now, it's becoming obvious. I love laughing!



7/18
My reflections,

I got cut the other day when i wasn't paying attention and dropped my razor, i caught it against my calf, if you know new razors, they're quick to draw blood.

If I am not careful, those too quickly to my skin can draw blood.


Miss Monster has learned how to crawl up my jeans and then, now, up to my shoulder. Kitty claws are sharp! I'm knicked everywhere but i don't mind. She's learning to climb and get to her "top", with supervision 😉. She got on the mantle and lots of tall cubbies today!

It's okay to bend down and lend a shoulder, even if you get scars. They tell a tail of love and compassion to help something rise higher.

Technically 7/19, haven't slept

I learned a lot tonight. I can't do it alone even if I have self help aids available.

I feel a crossroads this weekend. I'm going to confront him about the T...


I left that intentionally trailing. I was going to say porn but why. The was before him. What matters is now. I do not care right now. I will care later so I hope he reflected on why he needs it.

Make note for terms of acceptance? Maybe. I need more why...
I tried it tonight, three dark and shall forever be shadowed videos that hit an aspect of my sexual dark side, always a guarantee of the 1st place... not today.

I understand more of my connection to him/military/secretly gay/gay porn fetish... it's his demanding and aggressive ways.

Loosly and the interpretation...

Strong men, extra alpha, the ones that hide all that pain... the are always at top, why not be gay? You have the same sensations without any of the risk, it's always a conquest to your satisfaction, you're willing to stop for snacks but, really your ready to get there and you don't need directions... you watched the route sometime earlier...🤣

I need softer, unfortunately more selfish to me, but maybe that's a defense mechanism, right now. Sex is amazing when it's right and i want it all the time when it's connected. I need to trust to let go and imagine. I don't judge if it's honest and in the shadows 😉




7/18

I started typing above on accident ^that's 1:30am intuitive you on the 19th. Below is the 18th.

You can thank logical me for waking up for a sec... it's bed time!

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Without the shadows there would be no silver lining.


I'm not looking to separate but I'm looking to lessen the dependency because self confidence is raised.

No more going to bed together if i don't want to. I need time in the night, this house was built with a real door for me. I can listen to nature while you sleep. This is not a demand but rather a reminder to myself how precious my alone time is. The days weren't meant for loneliness, the nights were.

Loneliness is not and probably never will be a sad thing for me. I learned in the desert what a beautiful thing aloneness is. It's where i opened my mind.

I by spirit can not spend my days alone. I don't need a huge community, in fact, it's probably better kept small, as I get overwhelmed with too many people.

I understand it that this is due to my ability to read people and adjust quickly. I find boundaries and sort complex situations rather well. That's what brought me into the IT world. The constant chaos but also super easy problems for me, or with the help of my community, fix quickly and efficiently.

My career has taught me what strength and commitment look like. What passion and intuition feels like. What sucess and luxury tastes like.

I've also lived in the shadows of the balance. I know what sacrifice and sorrow look like. I know what fear and helplessness feels like. I know what regret and nothing taste like.


7/19

I connected with the wombat today. I mean who picks a wombat at a spirit animal?!? Haha. I DO!!!
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Wombats are often seen as symbols of perseverance, determination, and security. Their ability to navigate dark tunnels and burrows represents the importance of exploring your inner self and finding strength in solitude. Wombats also symbolize protection and the importance of creating a safe space for oneself.

Wombat Spirit Animal
Having the wombat as your spirit animal means you possess a strong sense of resilience and adaptability. You are able to overcome obstacles with a calm and steady approach, always finding ways to carve out your own path in life. The wombat spirit animal also reminds you to prioritize your own well-being and seek security and comfort in your surroundings.

Wombat Totem Animal
Those who have the wombat as their totem animal are often known for their strong sense of family and community. They are protective of their loved ones and are willing to go to great lengths to ensure their safety and well-being. Wombats as totem animals also signify a deep connection to the earth and the importance of nurturing and caring for the environment.

Wombat Power Animal
The wombat as a power animal brings the gift of inner strength and tenacity. When you call upon the wombat for guidance, you are tapping into your own reserves of resilience and determination. The wombat power animal empowers you to face challenges head-on and emerge stronger and more grounded in the process.

What it Means if you See a Wombat
Seeing a wombat in your life could be a message to trust in your own instincts and abilities. It may also indicate the need to create a sense of security and stability in your life, whether it be in your relationships, career, or personal well-being. Pay attention to how the wombat makes you feel and the circumstances surrounding its appearance for further insights.

Wombat Positive Meaning
On the positive side, the wombat represents resilience, protection, and a strong sense of security. Seeing a wombat can be a sign that you have the strength to overcome challenges and create a safe and nurturing environment for yourself and those around you. Embrace the wombat's energy and use it to navigate through difficult situations with grace and determination.

Wombat Negative Meaning
In a negative light, the wombat may symbolize a tendency to retreat into isolation or become overly protective to the point of being closed off to others. Seeing a wombat in this context could serve as a reminder to balance your need for security with the importance of staying open to new experiences and relationships. It may also indicate a need to confront your fears and face challenges head-on instead of seeking refuge in solitude.
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I remember when I went to Australia and all I wanted to see were wombats. I have been obsessed since my little brother went and got me a little tiny crystal figurine as a souvenir. A foreshadow the watchers of my life placed before me.

I had a day when I was in Australia to get to spend some time with them so I elected to do a "trainer for the day" situation. I wanted maximum exposure.  *Right turn  thought... and go...

It was the same day... No matter how hard I tried the wombats eluded me.

I just thought of the Wallaby that I connected so intimately with...

Wallaby Symbolism
The wallaby holds significant symbolism in various cultures and spiritual beliefs. It often represents agility, balance, and adaptability. In Aboriginal Australian culture, the wallaby is seen as a messenger of the spirit world and a symbol of survival in challenging times.
Wallaby Spirit Animal
As a spirit animal, the wallaby signifies resourcefulness, grace, and the ability to navigate through difficult situations with ease. Those who feel a strong connection with the wallaby as their spirit animal may possess a natural sense of intuition and adaptability in their lives.
Wallaby Totem Animal
For those who have the wallaby as their totem animal, it symbolizes protection and guidance from unseen forces. The wallaby totem is said to inspire individuals to trust their instincts and stay grounded in times of uncertainty.
Wallaby Power Animal
The wallaby as a power animal invokes a sense of adventure and exploration. It urges individuals to take risks and embrace new opportunities with courage and determination. The wallaby power animal encourages individuals to be flexible and adaptable in their approach to life.
What it means if you see a Wallaby
If you see a wallaby in your life, it may be a sign that you need to embrace change and remain open to new experiences. The presence of a wallaby could also indicate that you are being called to trust your instincts and embark on a new journey with confidence.
Wallaby Positive Meaning
In a positive light, encountering a wallaby can symbolize growth, resilience, and the ability to overcome obstacles. It may signify a time of prosperity and abundance in your life, as well as the opportunity for personal development and spiritual growth.
Wallaby Negative Meaning
On the contrary, a negative interpretation of seeing a wallaby could indicate a lack of adaptability or a resistance to change. It may suggest that you are feeling overwhelmed or stagnant in your current circumstances and need to break free from limiting beliefs or behaviors.
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So here is the weird part. It was figuratively the same day, you know... my linger song, but I was technically by man's law of time, a day ahead.

I wanted so bad all of the wombat but instead got the all of wallaby and some of the wombat. Not a bad trade if I say so myself.

I need to reflect on my my lingering. That's a wonderful way to refer to my dear Jason. My linger. My cloud - sometimes bright and reflecting, sometimes dark and brooding.

Oh man - BREATHWORK tonight. I really hope - and I mean that by the truest form, that I have something tonight.

I can't do this alone. That's why 4 is my number. Light and dark, always 2 but that's mine, I need to add in another's lightness and darkness to be complete.



I want to write out my connection to these words that I stumble upon each day:----------------

Horoscope for the date: Friday - 19 July 2024
Transit Moon in the 9th house
This transit will spark a desire for freedom and learning.

Personal development is one of the main motivations of these days. You will be absorbing knowledge like a sponge, whether you are studying or wanting to acquire new skills and knowledge for your career. You will easily see a broader perspective on how things work, and you will have a philosophical way of thinking.

In general, you want to broaden your horizons, break out of routine and discover. It is a good time for trips or choosing a destination for your holiday. You just want to feel independent and be adventurous.

You may feel bored, distracted or, if you are religious, have overly emotional reactions to your faith.
Transit lasts cca 2.5 days
Transit Sun trine Sun
You will be full of energy. Your self-expression will improve, and your confidence will increase. You may also be awarded for something.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°11’)
Transit Moon sextile Mercury
You will feel satisfied with your life. Any tension in relationships is likely to disappear and you will be able to focus on maintaining peace. You will also benefit from a walk in a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable. Communication with others, studying and developing new ideas will make you happy. This transit is good for negotiating, establishing new business contacts and executing transactions.
Transit is intense just few hours | Find exact time
Transit Moon square Jupiter
Your perception and reality will come into conflict. You may feel overly self-confident. Your enthusiasm can degenerate into disappointment. This may make you feel pessimistic and helpless. You may have the tendency to exaggerate in all areas of life, so beware of overindulgence. This especially applies to excess food and alcohol. It is not a good time for public relations and legal matters. There may also be unexpected obstacles and inconveniences, such as unexpected expenses.
Transit is intense just few hours | Find exact time
Transit Moon square Saturn
You'll feel overwhelmed by work and financial affairs. You may have to work overtime and you will not be rewarded immediately. If there are any issues in your life that need to be re-evaluated with time, this transit will help you understand them and show you that it is time to explore them in depth now. Family relationships and affairs can suffer slightly, and you may feel lonely and without support. Take this period as an opportunity to learn to rely on yourself.
Transit is intense just few hours | Find exact time
Transit Mercury trine Moon
You will find it easy to express your emotions and you will intuitively understand other people's motivations and feelings. You will not be afraid to say what you want without being arrogant. If you receive any news during this transit, it will be positive. You will get along well with others, be it your close family members or acquaintances. There may be a person from the past with whom you have unresolved issues and now is the ideal time to resolve the problem. It is also a great time to perform in front of large number of people.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°34’)
Transit Mercury sextile Venus
You can easily meet new acquaintances and establish new relationships. Existing relationships, especially romantic relationships, can reach a new level or resolve their issues. This transit is favourable period for negotiating, presenting your thoughts and ideas, public relations and business meetings. You will do very well in these areas because you will be very charming and diplomatic. You can also expect good news.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°34’)
Transit Mercury sextile Pluto
If you need to do research, search for something, or just focus on your tasks, this transit will help you achieve good results. However, you will not be happy with easy answers. You will search until you find the true cause of a problem. Therefore, you will look for more serious and deep topics for conversation with others. You may also talk about some taboo topics. If you are traveling, you can expect an experience that will lead to enlightenment.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 1°18’)
Transit Mars opposition Sun
You will tend to take everything too seriously, and criticism will easily upset you. You will also lack patience and a sense of compromise. You may have the feeling that you need to do something, but you will not know what. Your ego will conflict with your reasoning so you may react impulsively or start an argument. Your relationships with men will be fragile.

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Now let's check the day, for me...

I am going to cry! I have not read this until now about that day. My linger, my retrospect.

Horoscope for the date: Sunday - 16 October 2022
Transit Moon in the 3rd house
This transit won't let you rest!

Get ready for short trips, lots of errands and lots of communication, especially on the phone. You'll be more extroverted than usual, and you will want to stand out.

Your thoughts will be rather distracted, but on the other hand, you will think unusually sharply. You will also be able to communicate your ideas well. You will be able to make new acquaintances or even new friends easily. On the other hand, thanks to the increased energy and desire to plunge into everything with vigour, you may have difficulties concentrating and be less receptive to what others are trying to tell you.
Transit lasts cca 2.5 days
Transit Sun conjunction Pluto
You will feel the desire for greater personal power and control. This transit brings secretiveness, so you will be more reserved than usual. You may discover things that have been hidden from you. Beware of dishonest and immoral people.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°19’)
Transit Moon trine Mercury
You will feel satisfied with your life. Any tension in relationships is likely to disappear and you will be able to focus on maintaining peace. You will also benefit from a walk in a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable. Communication with others, studying and developing new ideas will make you happy. This transit is good for negotiating, establishing new business contacts and executing transactions.
Transit is intense just few hours | Find exact time
Transit Mercury conjunction Saturn
Your ability to concentrate is at its maximum. You are more able to perceive the details and avoid procrastination. Therefore, you may search for peaceful and quiet places where you can think. You will be more negative than usual, especially about your expectations of people. However, you may get good news or advice that will help you. Therefore, try to be optimistic. In exceptional cases, this transit may mean that you will have to say goodbye to someone who is leaving for a long time (for example moving abroad).
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 1°29’)
Transit Venus sextile Neptune
You will be receptive to the feelings and needs of other people and you will be lenient with their mistakes. You will also easily forgive them any mischief. You can easily get into the world of fantasy and daydreaming, and your dreams will be more vivid than usual. You will also be more artistic and feel in harmony with the world around you.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°19’)
Transit Venus conjunction Pluto
This transit will awaken feelings of jealousy, obsession and possessiveness that you have in you. Tensions and power struggles may appear in relationships. On the other hand, this transit may bring intense passionate experiences. However, if you are having problems in your relationships, they can escalate, and you will be forced to solve them. Avoid manipulations and negative reactions in communicating with others. If you maintain a sober and objective approach, you may be able to improve your relationships.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 1°15’)
Transit Mars sextile Moon
Your thinking is biased and obscured by emotions. You should therefore postpone any decisions that require logic. It is a great time for romance and intimacy. If you're single, it is a great time to look for a new partner. You will feel full of life. It is likely that you will feel the need to protect your home from outside threats e.g. installing an alarm.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°37’)
Transit Mars trine Venus
You will feel the desire to follow your heart. You will be guided by what seems right to you. However, be aware that your evaluations are now based on your emotions. Whether it is a person, thing or opportunity, you will do all you can to get it. However, do not forget to enjoy life.
Transit is intense this day (Orb: 0°37’)
Transit Mars trine Pluto
This transit will give you the opportunity to reach your goals because there will not be any obstacles that will complicate it. You will feel stronger than usual, both mentally and physically. It is therefore a good opportunity to test your physical condition by doing some demanding sports. Strength exercises especially will bring you the desired results. It's also a good time to start a new diet or try an alternative way of eating.
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I set it for the Saturday - the 16th in Australia for myself. I also made the mistake of using his birth year everything else my information. Is that because we are connected in this and that is what I was supposed to find? When I corrected for my birth year it talks about work and focus. If I was using this as a guide at the time, that would have made sense, it would have resonated with me.

Instead I am searching back and I am reflecting, not changing the things I come across. I was supposed to use his birth year because that leads me to a path of healing and acceptance.

I went back and check, his birth year didn't matter, the day did... Australia vs US. What a difference a day can make... the 15th, when I was at work, was about work, the 16th, my day at the zoo, that's my linger.

Now I looked at the long term transits, which I relate to the connectivity of today:
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Long-term transits:
Transit Sun in the 6th house
During this transit, the main areas of focus are work, health, and helping others.

At work you will be mainly doing typical tasks that, thanks to better concentration and sense for detail, will be easy to do and for which you will receive a well-deserved recognition. You can also use relatively routine way of life of this time period to start a new diet or to start doing more sport activities. Health is an important aspect of this transit; you can either start taking more care of your health, or you may experience unexpected health problems.

You may also feel a greater urge to help others — a new colleague, family member, or even strangers. It is also possible that pets will require more attention or that you get a new pet.

During this transit, you may seem to others slightly distant and meticulous due to your concentration on work. Beware of gossip, workaholism and enemies trying to harm you.
Transit lasts cca 30 days | Find end
Transit Mercury in the 6th house
This transit is good for organising your work activities and duties. You will approach them practically, attentively and with a sense for detail. You will enjoy your work more than usual and it will also give you more satisfaction. Communication with colleagues and clients will become easier. However, beware of unimportant conversations that undermine work ethic and efficiency. You may also encounter technical issues and shipment delays.

You will pay more attention to your health. It is an ideal time to plan medical examinations. Nervousness and fear may cause physical tension. However, these health problems are usually not real, they are likely only in your head. Being aware of the cause of your nervousness will easily help you overcome it. You may also visit a hospital, psychiatric institution or prison during this transit.
Transit lasts cca 15-30 days | Find end
Transit Venus in the 6th house
This transit brings harmony to your workplace! Your relationships with colleagues will improve and there will be a friendly atmosphere at work. You will be able to work easily with others and teamwork will therefore produce the desired results. However, ensure that too much fun at work with your colleagues does not reduce productivity. It is also possible that your boss will give you a promotion or salary increase. If you have a mess on your desk, this transit will encourage you to tidy up your workplace.

You will also be more focused on improving your health and lifestyle. You will be careful not to fall in love until you are sure it is wise.
Transit lasts cca 25 days | Find end
Transit Mars in the 2nd house
Money will be very important to you now. You will want to earn more money and own more things. Your ambitions will be driven mainly by money too. The more money you will have, the more confident you will be. You will find it hard to resist buying things you want but do not need. During this transit you will be willing to do more for your material stability. If you need more money, you will get a second job or find another way of making extra money.

This transit also makes you think about your values and re-evaluate if they are still reflecting your way of life.
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A lot happened on that trip to Australia. Jason.. Dad. When day dad die?!

Google is limiting my words, I need to spin up the 'ol archive...

What an enlightening day and it's only 10:30am!!!

Last thing - note to self, before I hit publish, as I post this I read this and tis word - vibration in the daily horoscope for the 18th... I watched a documentary. Lean into this - if you come back and read. It resonated.